Close Your Eyes
by ookami123
Summary: It's been five years. Five long years without so much as a word from him. Perhaps it was a dream... Perhaps she only wants it to have been.
1. Thoughts

**Disclaimer: Don't own it. **

**A/N : Right, I suppose this is an experiment of sorts really. Having never written Escaflowne fanfiction before, I'm not really too sure where to begin - so please give me a break if this chapter isn't fantastically original/good. Anyway, the chapter's written from Hitomi's POV. It's set about five years after the series. **

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_Does it even matter anymore?_

_Is what I believe even relevant now?_

_What use are my memories if they fall upon deaf ears? Why must I show my visions to these people who insist I must be blind to reality?_

_I am tired. I'm tired of everybody telling me that I'm wrong._

**_"It was a dream, Hitomi."_**

_No._

**_"You're such a romantic…"_**

_It wasn't a dream._

**_"There is no such place as Gaea."_**

_It wasn't a vision._

**_"You're out of your mind!"_**

_It was real._

_I know it was._

_I know He was._

_Everything I saw, everything I felt – it was all real. The grass in between my fingers, the wind in my hair, the moon and the Earth hanging in the sky above me…_

_They will probably never believe me. No, I doubt they will ever see what they do not wish to see. They will simply keep trying. They will keep trying until I tell them that I don't remember._

_But the one thing they don't understand, all these people who have tried to make me forget, is that…I **want** to forget. I want all these memories to just fade away. I want the faces that haunt my dreams to disappear into the darkness that has somehow found its way inside my heart._

_I cannot bear it any longer; this emptiness that I feel…it's…it's killing me. I am sure of it._

_But I know I can never forget._

_How does one forget what love is?_

_Sometimes I smile when I think of him. I wonder how he is, whether he even remembers me. I wonder if people question his sanity day after day._

_Perhaps for him, it was a dream. Perhaps he prefers to remember it that way. Perhaps he simply chooses not to remember it at all._

_Van…_

_I wish…_

_No. I can't wish. Not anymore._

_But I miss you. Everyday, every day for five years I have missed you. I long to see you again, to hear your voice, to just…**feel** you somehow._

_That day five years ago, we made a promise; but with each day that passes, you shatter it more and more, until now all that's left is the doubt that eats away at me when they tell me I'm wrong._

_Oh God, why can't I be wrong?_

_Why can't I just be wrong…?_

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**Yes it's short, but the next chapter (if there is indeed a next chapter) will be longer. Please review, since I really don't know whether to continue it or not! Thanks to whoever's read it - you're all lovely! **


	2. Silence

**Disclaimer: As much as I'd like to...I don't.**

**A/N: Hey again! Firstly, thanks to those who reviewed - very kind of ****you :D Secondly...here's the second chapter.**

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Hitomi clicked her pen several times before placing it behind her ear.

Sighing, she read the words on the page over and over until she finally came to the conclusion that, alas, she was no novelist.

The whole thing, it just didn't sound...right. The words lacked something she couldn't quite put her finger on: Passion? Emotion? No…perhaps it was a grammatical thing…

**"_Why can't I just be wrong…?"_**

Well, they had told her to write down her thoughts…so here she was, in her room, at her desk, attempting to describe her feelings. Unfortunately, it was not going quite as well as she had hoped. She had originally thought it would be a fairly simple task: think, write, think, write – but no. To her immense displeasure, Hitomi found it impossible to describe anything, let alone unbelievable and ridiculously complicated memories that nobody wanted to actually read about in the first place.

She just couldn't help but feel like the whole page was a little too melodramatic.

Yes, she was writing what she _really _felt, describing the most painful and raw emotions that plagued her daily – but to _them_, to the people who were trying to "help" her, this would just be another over imaginative story that some traumatised girl had somehow created from a dream.

**"_Perhaps for him, it was a dream. Perhaps he prefers to remember it that way. Perhaps he simply chooses not to remember it at all. _**

_**Van…"**_

She sighed again as she leant back in her chair. Glancing at the clock above her desk, she was somewhat disappointed to note that after a full hour of attempting to write down any scrap of emotion, she had yet to come up with something suitable to show them tomorrow.

_Them_…those people she went to twice a week. The ones who told her she must be out of her mind, the ones who challenged everything she said with, "but _why_?", only to scribble something she would never see on a small piece of lined paper. She humoured them, in a way, by continuing to reflect upon her time in Gaea. She watched, week after week, month after month, year after year as they gradually became more and more certain she was insane. Oh yes, she knew what they were thinking.

This girl that claimed to have been abducted, that claimed to have set foot upon some invisible planet, had told the same story relentlessly in every session. She never denied any of it, never agreed to listen to any other plausible explanation for her "visions". She was now simply a waste of time, a lost cause. Poor child, to be demented at such an early age.

Hitomi didn't care though. She let them think what they want. Screw them. Screw her parents for forcing her to attend those stupid sessions. At twenty years old, surely she was old enough to start making her own decisions. Couldn't they just leave her alone?

Couldn't anyone just let her be alone?

**"_That day five years ago, we made a promise…"_**

She almost wanted to laugh at the irony. After swearing that she'd never be alone, that she'd never _want_ to be alone…now it was her only wish.

And it was his fault.

**"_Sometimes I smile when I think of him. I wonder how he is, whether he even remembers me."_**

She hadn't heard from him since the day she had left Gaea. When he didn't try to make contact for the first few months, she had simply thought he was too pre occupied with re-building Fanelia to talk to her, or maybe he just wanted to wait a while…she could understand that. But after a year of waiting, that gnawing doubt had begun to creep under her skin. That doubt which had destroyed Fanelia, killed countless people…that had hurt so many more…

It had returned. And she could do nothing about it.

So another year passed, and another, and another, and all she could do was wait. When she thought of him, he never answered. If she dreamt of him, it was only ever a dream. And that was what made it worse – when she dreamed. Things that always used to be so wonderful to her, both dreaming and Gaea alike, had turned into some sickening reminder of her loss. When she dreamed, it was like her own thoughts seemed to be mocking her, mocking her sanity as so many others did.

**"_I cannot bear it any longer; this emptiness that I feel…it's…it's killing me. I am sure of it."_**

How many times had she just told herself to forget about him?

To forget about everything…

_Surely that would solve all this..._

**"_But I know I can never forget. _**

_**How does one forget what love is?"** _

Well, Van had forgotten.

He had managed to do what she longed to, what she had to do but simply could not.

But how?

Perhaps her love was unrequited to begin with…

Yes, that must be it.

What other explanation was there?

**"…**_**now all that's left is the doubt that eats away at me when they tell me I'm wrong."** _

Hitomi swallowed. Blinking back the familiar tears which threatened to fall, she looked to her open window, to the moon that hung above everything and everyone. So many nights she had gazed up at the bright, suspended orb and had almost been comforted by the fact that maybe…just maybe, Van could see it too.

**"_I wish…_**

_**No. I can't wish. Not anymore."**_

But then in the morning, she'd feel ridiculous. She'd feel like a fool for even thinking such a thing.

_God_, why did she even try anymore?! Why was she _stupid_ enough to think he would come for her?!

Nobody believed her, nobody even _listened._

She hated them. She hated all of them.

She just couldn't do this anymore.

Maybe…maybe it was finally time for it to end.

For everything to end...

Yes.

She could do it, she was sure. She had enough medication, thanks to them.

What more could she do? If Van really was alive, if Gaea really did exist, wouldn't she be certain by now?

Wouldn't she just... _know_?

Now the tears did fall. And she didn't even try to stop them.

Slowly, resolve unfaltering, she reached for the pills she kept in the bottom draw of her desk. Her hands were shaking, her breath coming fast… but she didn't stop. She picked up the small bottle and held it in front of her.

So this was what she had become.

Insane, suicidal…desperate.

Putting the little jar on her desk, she unscrewed the lid hastily as she closed her eyes and took a long, drawn out breath. She'd made the decision so quickly she could barely recall why...but...

She was doing this. She was really doing it. She had to.

There was no Gaea, there was no Van…

There was no hope.

_Yes, that's it. Keep telling yourself. You must._

But perhaps…before she prepared to leave this world, this life, she would try to reach him. One last time. Just to prove to herself that she was right, that she was finally _doing something right._

So this one final time, without doubt, without fear…Hitomi would call out to him.

"Van…" She whispered into the night as achingly clear images of him flowed in front of her eyes. For the last time, she closed them, and took in everything about him that she could remember: that gorgeous tanned skin, the wild ebony hair that she had always longed to run her fingers through, the darkly handsome face she had always longed to touch…his beautiful, intense brown eyes.

And his wings.

Those pure, flawless, stunning white wings.

And then she found she couldn't bare it anymore.

She opened her eyes again, tears flowing freely now, and snatched up the pills in front of her. Breathing heavily, not knowing how painful it would be or how long it would take, she took the first one between her fingers.

Looking up at the moon, she gave a small, sad smile before mouthing one last word to him.

"Goodbye."

"_HITOMI!"_

She barely heard the glass shatter as it hit the hard, wooden floor.

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**Well, that's the second chapter...what do you think? I do actually have a storyline for this thing, so if you want me to continue, I definitely will. I can't help but feel like the ending to this chapter is...well - shite (excuse my French). So I might edit it at some point. **

**Anyway**

**Please review :D**


	3. Delicate

**Disclaimer: Don't own it**

**A/N: Once more, thankyou to those who reviewed! So here I am again, submitting a chapter that's made me want to hit myself very hard several times. It's longer than the other ones, so please persist and read to the end! I'm not fantastically happy with it, but you know, what can you do.**

**The chapter's name is from the song "Delicate" by Damien Rice (Fantabulous song, btw), chosen because I think it fits the chapter's tone. (??? I have no idea what I'm talking about. Just listen to it, ok?)**

**Anyway, Enjoy! **

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And then there was nothing but darkness. That wonderful, comforting, welcoming darkness that enveloped her whenever she was fortunate enough to sleep…or in this case, to faint. But before it overtook her, before the blackness could grasp a sure hold on her, she saw something else that was also strikingly familiar…

An intense and beautiful blue light.

She closed her eyes to it. _Merely a dream_, she thought as she felt its aqueous texture upon her skin. She shuddered as the familiarity of its touch overwhelmed her. It was exactly as she remembered; a caress of remarkably pure silk, an illusion of water sliding over her skin, seducing her, willing her to enter some kind of trance. _Only a dream_, she persisted as she felt herself slipping further and further into the inevitable oblivion.

_Don't…_

Her thoughts broke through the darkness just before she surrendered to it.

_Don't leave me, Van. _

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The soft click of a nearby door closing caused Hitomi to stir from the unsettling dream she'd been having. Groaning inwardly, she realised that it was yet another one she must record in the dream log she had been forced to complete. She had always found it impossible to describe each ordeal, most of them being too painful to try and remember, some simply being too bizarre to think about logically, having been filled with intense and sometimes frightening images even she didn't always understand. Bringing a rather unresponsive arm up to cover her eyes, she attempted to recall the nightmare, her thoughts settling upon the fact that it had surely been one of the worst she had experienced in quite a while.

Letting out a small discontented sigh and with eyes still firmly shut, she turned over on her side and buried her face into her pillow in hopes she would somehow fall back into a dreamless slumber. But upon inhaling the scent of her clean sheets, she was somewhat intrigued to find that the aroma was not what she had expected. This pillow, also much softer than she remembered her own being, did not smell of the sickly, hospital like detergent she was so used to. In fact, after a moment's contemplation, she came to the conclusion that it smelt strangely of… summer. It somehow reminded her of being out in the open, fresh air; of a gentle breeze flowing through a green field flooded with sunshi—

Actually, come to think of it, it reminded her of…

Her eyes shot open.

_No…_

It wasn't her pillow.

_No!_

It wasn't her bed.

_This isn't happening…_

It wasn't even her room.

_I can't be—_

And after sitting up hastily, scanning her surroundings in barely contained panic, she realised that she was not alone.

On the balcony a few metres away, stood a man, tall and muscular in build. He faced away from her, leaning against the doorframe, arms crossed, looking out to the setting sun, his tousled locks of unruly jet black hair moving slightly with the wind. He wore clothes Hitomi had never really seen before, atleast not in this century; a black, sleeveless jacket with a high, stiff collar, completely unbuttoned at the front to reveal a loose white shirt with sleeves rolled up to the elbows. His trousers were black too, and quite tight fitting, clearly highlighting the toned muscle that undoubtedly lay beneath; his boots, made from soft black leather as far as she could see, came up to a little below his knees. He intimidated her, even as he stood casually unaware of her awakened state, still as stone as the sunset cast an amber glow over his majestic figure.

She realised almost immediately that she didn't even need to see his face to know who he was. And Gods, in the light of the setting sun, Van looked every part the King he had been destined to become.

Hitomi swallowed as she saw him tilt his head back and close his eyes, breathing deeply as he brooded upon some unknown subject. She really didn't know whether to inform him she was awake or simply continue to watch him in silence, taking in everything she could about the man who, up until a few minutes ago, had been a distant memory from a dream.

Perhaps she was still dreaming, she mused. Perhaps she hadn't returned to Gaea at all. Perhaps she was still in her stuffy little room, making up stories in her messed up little head…

_But, _She supposed, _there is only one way to find out._

As Van lowered his head, looking out to the sunset once more, Hitomi silently, slowly, unsteadily moved the thin quilted cover off her body. After a moment, gauging whether he had noticed her movements, she swung her legs gently round to the edge of the bed and winced a little as she felt the cold, wooden floor underneath her toes. Taking a deep breath, she stood up a little too quickly, grabbing onto a nearby bedpost for support as she was lost momentarily in a dizzying head rush. It wasn't until she looked down at the floor that she realised her legs were trembling.

"You really shouldn't try to get up."

The deep, unmistakable sound of his voice made her eyes widen. Keeping her gaze fixed on the floor, she cursed herself mentally, realising that she had perhaps been a little foolish in thinking he wouldn't notice her, considering how wondrously unsubtle she was.

"Although, since when have you ever listened to any advice I've given you?"

There it was again. That voice. His voice. She could tell he was smiling, silently amused by his own comment. To her surprise, Hitomi was somewhat shocked to realise she was suddenly remarkably short of breath. After inhaling slowly, deeply, in an attempt to calm her nerves, she raised her head.

"And since when have you ever given me any worthwhile advice, V—"

_Oh Gods…_

As their eyes met, she found she couldn't bring herself to say his name. She found she could barely think, barely breathe. He had turned his head to where she stood, his eyes holding hers unquestioningly. She found herself lost in their darkness at once, willingly surrendering to their alluring, intense, piercing gaze. He was staring at her, watching her as she just…looked at him.

"—V-Van…"

And for a long, agonising moment, Hitomi could have sworn time had stopped. She could have sworn that the world around them, the whole of Gaea, was silent. There was nobody else, nothing. Only them.

It was in that moment that she _really_ took him in, took in everything from the familiar, charmingly overgrown black hair that hung low on his forehead, to the hard, matured angles of his face. He had changed, she noticed, but in remarkably subtle and…intriguing ways. She wanted to close the space between them, go to him, ask him how he'd been and what he'd been doing all this time; but something stopped her. All the times she had imagined it, imagined their meeting after five years of being apart…had been so different. Every scenario she had created had just been so…so wrong.

The images she had conjured up of running into his arms and telling him how much she had missed him seemed all of a sudden ridiculous and inappropriate. The notion of such an unimaginative reunion seemed almost childish compared to the wordless, heated gaze that existed between them at this moment. She found that she didn't want it to end…she just…

"Hitomi…"

Her name on his lips was enough to send a little tremor through her weary body. It had been barely more than a whisper, the deep timbre of his voice simply gracing the breeze that had moved through the room, but it had been more than enough. It had been too much. Unconsciously, she squeezed the bedpost next to her a little tighter.

"H…How did I…" she stammered, finally averting her eyes from his in order to look around the room. It was a very large room, she noticed, the bed alone being big enough to fit seven people quite comfortably on its surface. The wooden floor was mostly covered in rugs and furs, and the fireplace cast an orangey glow over every single object in the surrounding space. There was a desk in one corner, covered in disorganised letters, maps and other various papers, as well as, Hitomi noticed, a shirt or two. A hauntingly familiar sword rested against one side of it, firelight bouncing off its polished scabbard.

_I'm in his room…?_

Taking her hand from the bed post, Hitomi let her arm fall limply to her side. "How did this…?" She found she was pretty much lost for words, not quite sure of why she'd started to talk in the first place. There was usually something about silence that she found unbearable, but with Van it was oddly…comforting. She hadn't really wished to spoil it, but there was an obvious question she needed to ask, no matter how much of the answer she thought she already knew. Eventually, she swallowed, deciding that it was perhaps best to get right to the point.

"W-Why am I here, Van?"

A small, sad laugh reached her ears, causing her to look over to him again, only to find his gaze redirected towards the sunset. A brief, pained smile passed over his lips.

"I was hoping you could tell me."

Hitomi blinked.

"You were hoping…what are you talking about?" She took a small step towards him, "I thought you…I mean, I thought it was you who called me back here…isn't that what—"

She stopped herself abruptly.

_Isn't that what you wanted?_

"—isn't that what…happened?"

Hitomi swallowed as he turned to face her fully, taking his weight from the doorframe. She hadn't realised quite how tall he was, how with his regal stature, athletic physique and dark clothes he seemed threatening and…dangerous. As he took a few steps towards her, she almost felt compelled to shrink back under the covers of the overly large bed.

Van slowly, silently closed the space between them, his steady gaze never wavering, the blood-red pendant at his neck glowing eerily in the firelight. He came to a halt right in front of her, so he had to look down in order to hold her wide, questioning eyes.

"I think," He said quietly after a moment, his voice suddenly filled with a distant, unforgettable coldness, "you should stop pretending you don't know."

Hitomi couldn't do anything but stare incredulously up at him for a few, prolonged seconds.

"What?" She managed to get out, although it was more of a choking sound than anything else. Van's eyes narrowed.

"Don't."

Hitomi shook her head slightly, her brow creased in confusion. "But I don't underst—"

She flinched when Van gripped her shoulders hard.

"You tried to kill yourself." His voice was tainted with something close to disgust as he spoke slowly and clearly down to her. "You gave up, gave in – you attempted to end your own life."

"I—"

"And _don't _tell me that you don't understand, Hitomi! What is there to understand?!"

"But I—"

And that was when it all came flooding back.

_Oh Gods._

_**Why can't I just be wrong?— I can't wish. Not anymore— Perhaps for him, it was a dream— the doubt that eats away at me—this emptiness that I feel— I wonder how he is, whether he even remembers me— now all that's left— I cannot bear it any longer—**_

"_**Goodbye"**_

She felt very weak all of a sudden, as if she wasn't quite in control of her own body. Her lungs protested as she tried to draw breath, painful memories coming in relentless sweeps, bringing tears to her disbelieving eyes and an intense coldness to every part of her body. She couldn't see Van anymore, only the images that ran insistently through her mind.

That piece of paper, the pills…she could barely believe she had come so close to doing something so stupid. But she _had_…

…because of him.

_Tired…I'm just…so tired…of everything…_

Her eyes closed of their own accord.

And then the darkness came again, embracing her with the two strong arms that cradled her lifeless form.

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It was hardly a shock when Hitomi woke up for the second time that day in a dauntingly huge bed, although she wasn't quite sure how she'd somehow ended up back under the covers. It was the same one, she realised, that she'd been in before, meaning she must still be in Van's room.

_Van…_

Sitting up slowly, she was somewhat relieved to find that he was no longer present. She didn't want to deal with him now, not after she'd seen how…frustrated he'd become earlier. That look in his eyes had been so full of…_pain_. Gods, he'd just seemed so angry at her. So cold and…

A small, strangely nostalgic smile came to her lips at that. How wonderfully depressing, she mused, that Van's attitude towards her hadn't changed a bit since the first time they'd met.

Sighing, Hitomi swung her legs round to the edge of the bed and leant forward on her elbows. Night had fallen now, the moon and the Earth sending a stunning, ghostly light through the open balcony doors. The fire had all but gone out, with only a few dimly glowing coals to warm the cold air. She rubbed her bare arms with her hands, wishing that she'd somehow come here in more than a t-shirt and a denim skirt that was a little too short.

After fighting the temptation to get back into the inviting bed, she stood, stretching her arms above her head as she began to walk over to the fireplace. Glancing to the open glass doors several feet away, she realised it perhaps might have been a better idea to close them first; although now she was getting considerably warmer, she found she couldn't bring herself away from the hearth.

Hitomi sat down on the soft rug in front of the fire, bringing her knees up and hooking her elbows round them. She frowned as she realised that the coals were growing dimmer.

Deciding to ignore the fact that she'd probably have to get up again soon, she hugged her arms tighter around herself.

_Gods, what a day. _

In the five years she'd been away from here, she hadn't once imagined her return to be so...surreal.

And Van…she hadn't imagined him…

…like that.

He had looked so darkly handsome, like some shadowed hero from a romance novel. She had always imagined him still wearing his red sleeveless shirt with those beige trousers and brown boots, always remembered him as the lanky fifteen year old she'd met all those years ago. But the fact was: he wasn't that naïve teenager anymore. When he'd looked at her, she had seen knowledge behind his intelligent eyes, had felt some kind of wisdom in his arresting presence. She blushed a little as she realised her fascination must have been blindingly obvious.

A particularly strong gust of icy wind abruptly roused her from thoughts of him, and she muttered angrily as she forced herself to stand up. Walking briskly over to the panelled glass doors, she took hold of one of the handles and attempted to close it, only to find that it wouldn't budge. Scowling as another bout of shivers ran through her, she nudged it ferociously a few times.

"Ugh!!" She shouted, throwing her hands up in exasperation, "What the hell is _wrong _with this door!?"

"There's a latch at the bottom."

Hitomi jumped at Van's faintly amused tone. Turning to face him, she noted the roguish smile that curled one corner of his lips in the dim light. Her cheeks heated immediately, and she was appalled to see the smile widen before she hastily spun back round to undo the bolt at the bottom of the door.

"I thought you'd still be sleeping." She heard him walk towards her, "I was just coming in to get some notes." He appeared beside her then, and it took her a second to realise he was closing the other door for her.

"Oh…" She said quietly, glancing over as he bent to undo the latch, "you're working late…"

He raised his eyebrows and looked at her briefly before standing up to shut the door.

"This is early for me."

Hitomi blinked. "Oh right…" She looked down at her hands in an attempt to tear her eyes away from his lips, on which the ghost of a smile still lingered. She was perturbed to find she was trembling. Turning round quickly, she strode over to the fireplace again and thrust her hands before the grate.

Van turned around, but didn't follow her. She felt his gaze on her as she closed her eyes and let out a small sigh. Time for her small-talk skills to shine, she thought wryly.

"So how—"

"I'm sorry for my behaviour earlier."

Hitomi smiled a little and shook her head at his apology.

"It's ok." She said gently, "really."

She heard his exasperated sigh from the other side of the room. "No, it's not ok." He said roughly, "I shouldn't have…shouted at you like that." He looked away from her, running a hand through his thoroughly dishevelled hair.

Hitomi didn't say anything. She didn't see what point there was in denying she'd been upset by the way he'd talked to her earlier. He'd been so angry, so tense and…frightening. She looked into the dying embers of the fire.

"There's nothing either of us can do about it now." She said quietly, "there's no point dwelling on something we can't change, Van."

The deeper meaning of what she'd said suddenly struck her, causing her breath to catch in her throat at the realisation. Turning quickly to face the dark, brooding man on the other side of the room, she saw that he must have understood too, for his eyes suddenly held something different; some sort of suppressed emotion that she couldn't quite read.

And finally she knew it was time to ask.

At length, she began.

"Why didn't you try, Van?" The words seemed to leave her before she could stop them, a whisper that must have barely reached him. Lowering her gaze to the floor, she walked to where he stood. "Didn't you…didn't—" She bit her lip as she felt the familiar sting of tears behind her eyes.

_I will not cry in front of him._

Her head shot up quickly.

"Didn't you even care?!"

She watched his face intently for any signs of an answer, but was somewhat confused when his eyes simply narrowed.

"What did you say?" The coldness in his dangerously quiet voice surprised her.

She stared incredulously up at him for a moment. "You forgot about me, Van." She shook her head from side, her brow creased in disbelief and…anger. "You just…left me there, alone!" Her voice was louder now, her hands fisting in front of her chest. "You promised Van, you _promised_! And yet you…you just—!"

"If I were you, I would stop now." His tone was filled with dark warning, his eyes with something dangerous, something she recognised even after all these years of being apart.

But she didn't care; she didn't _care_ if he shouted at her again.

"You didn't even try, did you Van?! You never—"

All the air left her lungs in one swift exhale as she was pushed roughly up against a panelled wall. Six furious feet of male held her firmly in place as her head swam.

"Wha—"

"How _dare_ you!" Van's face loomed over hers in the darkness, "How can you even…even _suggest_ something like that?!"

"But I—"

"You don't know _anything _Hitomi, _anything_!" His breath was hot on her skin as he held her firmly, and was the only sound to be heard in the otherwise silent room. The anger in his voice was somehow also suffused with pain, the sheer frustration and bitterness of his tone causing her to attempt to shrink partly away from him.

"You don't know," He continued when she tried to say something else, "how many times I tried!"

"V-Van—"

"How many times I had to hear you telling yourself I wasn't real…that I was some…some _dream_!"

She blinked.

"You could hear me?!" Eyes wide in renewed panic, she hastily tried to recall every memory, every image she had conjured up of him over the years, hoping with all her heart that the answer would be no – it must be no! How was it even possible?

It took a moment for him to reply.

"Yes," he murmured eventually, his grip on her loosening before he relinquished it altogether. Obviously agitated, he abruptly turned from her, running a hand through his wonderfully rebellious hair. "I've been able to hear everything for the past five years, Hitomi."

Her eyes followed him as he walked to the fireplace.

"But…" She breathed, not really knowing what she wanted to say. It had never even crossed her mind that he might be able to hear her thoughts, even if she couldn't hear his own. The weight of realisation seemed to crush her, and she leant back against the wall for support. "…h-how?"

Van glanced at her briefly before looking back into the smouldering embers. His expression softened as he seemed to think of the right words.

"Because you didn't believe in yourself," He said after a tense moment, his tone more gentle than before, "You didn't trust in your own story." A small, melancholic smile drifted over his face as he turned to face her, carefully avoiding her eyes.

"And you didn't trust in me." He added finally, his voice low and soft, and brought his gaze up to hers.

It took Hitomi a few, lengthy seconds to understand.

And then the gravity of comprehension made her head spin.

_All this time…it was… _

_Me._

She must have swooned again, because before she knew what was happening, she had been caught in the firm embrace of two protective arms. His arms.

"I…" She said helplessly, her vision clouding with the tears that started to fall, "I'm so…" She choked and clutched a handful of his shirt at the front, "…Van, I'm so—" But she was overcome, too filled with sorrow and frustration to say anything that might be considered enough. Her other hand fisted another clump of his shirt, and she gripped onto him desperately as he held her.

She looked down, ashamed, as she wept quietly. The mere fact he continued to hold her was almost too much to bear. She felt furious with herself, and yet _he_, someone she had let down, blamed wrongly for years, someone who had heard every doubt, every needless fear she had possessed, was holding her as if she were a frightened child.

Needless to say, she felt like one.

"Don't cry…" His compassionate whisper made her flinch.

She could only shake her head in misery, biting her lip to keep from sobbing audibly. She'd been such a fool; so blind to something so obvious. All this time…all this time and she'd been the one that was destroying herself. It hadn't been Van, or her parents or even _them_. Her own imprudence was intolerable.

"I've been so stupid," She whispered, closing her eyes.

"Not stupid, just wrong."

She opened them again, avoiding his gaze and letting out a disbelieving, sardonic laugh, "Well doesn't being wrong about everything make me stupid?"

"Hitomi…"

"Doesn't repeatedly telling myself that you were a dream, that you and everyone else were all just some figment of my imagination, make me more than wrong?" Fresh tears streamed down her flushed cheeks, "Every night just…waiting to hear your voice, every day wishing to go back to you…and then not even believing it was possible—"

"Hitomi—" He tried to interrupt again.

"And convincing myself that it was all because you didn't care! That it was because you didn't…because you didn't—"

Van silenced her with the gentle touch of his fingers on her lips. Her eyes were drawn to his as she saw him shake his head slowly.

"Stop." He breathed.

She swallowed as she noted his pained expression, and the anguish so visible in his eyes. His brow was creased, his gaze hot and intense, making the hairs on the back of her neck stand up. Hitomi was suddenly very aware of his arm around her waist and his face mere inches from her own. She still clung onto his shirt, though her grip had relaxed partly, and their bodies were close, touching here and there.

She gasped softly as he drew his fingers from her lips and ran them delicately over her flushed skin, brushing a falling tear from its path.

"Van…"

"I thought I was going to lose you." He murmured.

Her lips parted slightly as she drew an unsteady breath, and she saw his gaze flicker down to them briefly.

"I'm sorry." She said quietly, looking down at the floor, "I just—"

"Hitomi."

Tenderly, his fingers drifted under chin, tilting it up so she looked straight into his deep, dark eyes. She couldn't stop the little tremor that ran through her.

"Do you still want to forget?"

Her breath caught in her throat as she realised she knew what he was asking.

_**How does one forget what love is? **_

She swallowed thickly.

_He heard. _

"I…" She breathed, feeling flustered and hot under his gaze, "I-I—"

His lips brushed hers, sweet, light, delicate.

Her heart skipped a beat.

"Do you?" He breathed against her mouth.

And then he did it again; the same whisper-light caress of her lips, intoxicating in its simplicity, devastating in its effect. He set her senses afire in that one intimate touch; she could feel him, she clung desperately to his shirt still, clenching the fabric in her hands as she closed her eyes to sensation; she could smell that wonderful, unforgettable scent he had, of the earth after it rains in the spring, of sunshine bathing an open field.

But this time he didn't stop. This time he didn't move away. His hand moved behind her neck as he held her more firmly, his mouth beginning to move over hers. Hitomi responded helplessly to the slow exploration, tasting, turning her lips over his in return. Her mind couldn't seem to hold onto one coherent thought, all reason escaping her as she lost herself in the moment. One of her hands found its way to the back of his neck, and she let her fingers tangle in the soft, slightly curly hairs she found there.

She felt him tense immediately at the touch, and was about to withdraw the offending hand when suddenly his mouth became more insistent on hers, his arm tightening around her waist, bringing their bodies closer together. She gasped in mild surprise, and then again as Van used the opportunity to explore her mouth further, the silken touch of his tongue making her head spin. She let out a little whimper then, surrendering to him fully as her hand fisted in his thick hair.

But it was over all too soon, and he pulled back after too few rapturous moments had passed. His breaths came hot and fast on her skin, and she opened her eyes to see his face cast in an unreadable expression. She was breathing heavily too, and her lips felt swollen and hot as she put her fingers to them.

_No, Van. I don't want to forget anymore. _

* * *

**Aaaaaaaah! **

**Hope you enjoyed it, please review :D**


	4. Heartbeats

**Disclaimer: Once again, no I don't. **

**A/N: Thankyou to everyone who reviewed! You're all so lovely :)  
Well****, this chapter has taken me quite a while to get out, mainly because I've been busy with rather important exams, but also because I just can't find inspiration most of the time. It's quite um...cheesy, but you know, everyone loves a nice bit of cheese in romantic fiction. I have literally just at this moment burnt my nose in my tea. How marvelous--  
****Anway, that's not important. What's important is that I hope you enjoy the chapter, and that you'll leave me a review if you have :D **

**Also, just a thankyou to my friend, Mimie, whom I love and who's far better at writing than I am, for helping me along with this chapter. You're a legend, m'lovey. **

**Oh btw:**

**_This writing - memories_**

_This writing - Hitomi's thoughts_

**ENJOY! **

* * *

"Is this really necessary?" Hitomi sucked in a breath as the corset was pulled even tighter around her waist. The morning sunshine spilled through the glass doors right in front of her, partially blinding her to what on earth it was the maid seemed to be dressing her in. 

"The king said you should be dressed and ready by nine o'clock." the maid's words were somewhat muffled due to the large amount of pins she was holding in her mouth, every now and again taking one and jabbing it through Hitomi's sash and into her back in a manner that seemed less than coincidental.

"Well did he happen to mention _why_?" Hitomi winced as yet another pin came clumsily through the fabric.

"For the audience with his advisors this morning, of course." The voice came again, "one cannot simply go in wearing rags m'lady, it's not proper—"

"His advisors?!" Hitomi spun round, narrowly avoiding an involuntary navel piercing, "An audience with his advisors?!" She repeated incredulously, "why on earth would he want that?"

The maid shrugged impatiently before turning her back round, "I believe it is compulsory in order to become a permanent resident in the Fanelian palace, or so I've heard."

Hitomi's eyes widened, "a permanent…but surely I—"

"My lady," the old woman interrupted brusquely, "How on Gaea do you intend on becoming consort to the King if you are but a stranger to his most trusted companions?"

She whirled again, "Consort?! But I—!"

"Will you _desist_, madam?" the maid once again forced her in the other direction before promptly sticking a pin into her shoulder, "I'm almost finished, so if you would just stay still?"

Hitomi bit back a retort. "Sorry." She muttered as she wrung her hands in front of her.

_Consort? But… Surely he doesn't…I mean…_

_It was only a kiss…_

"There." The maid bent down in order to straighten out the long folds of the skirt, "Now don't make any large movements, or else those pins'll fall right out."

Hitomi nodded in answer, doubting that large movements were even possible in such attire. The corset was unbearably tight, causing her breathing to hitch a little every time she inhaled, and the various undergarments and petticoats made her despair over what on earth one was to do in order to use the toilet.

The maid stood up and turned Hitomi towards her, "A fine job, if I do say so myself," She commented, smiling as she adjusted something on the sleeve, "the looking glass is over there, if the lady wishes." She stepped back and gestured to a long mirror next to the fireplace.

Hitomi smiled her thanks and swallowed, holding the fabric up over her feet as she walked slowly to the hearth. She imagined herself to look faintly ridiculous, knowing that more often than not, dresses looked atrocious on her athletic figure. She knew her posture wasn't good enough to wear such an elegant gown either, the corset being an ever present and uncomfortable reminder of the fact.

But as she approached the mirror, she found she barely recognised her own reflection. She halted mid-stride as her eyes settled upon the image in the flawless glass.

The dress was…stunning.

The material alone was beautiful; the fabric was a sort of warm off-white colour, and was graced here and there with small, intricate green designs covered with tiny, shimmering beads. A wide sash made of green silk lay low on her hips, knotting in the middle with the excess ribbon trailing down to the floor; the off-shoulder sleeves clung like a second skin to her arms, and were detailed with the same patterns and beads as the bodice and skirt. She was somewhat put off by the rather low neck-line, but didn't care all that much since the rest of the dress was so utterly gorgeous.

After staring at herself for about a minute without moving at all, she did a small twirl to inspect the rest of the garment, and was pleasantly surprised to notice how the corset accentuated her slim waist whilst also adding a certain feminine flare to her hips.

_So that's why these things were so popular…_

She smiled, tucking a few stray pieces of long hair behind her ears before turning this way and that, holding up her skirts in a "ladylike" fashion and swishing them from side to side. She remembered how she used to do this with her mother's dresses when she was a little girl, pretending that she was a princess in a sparkling gown, putting a necklace around the top of her head to use as a tiara. She would imagine she was preparing for her own wedding - to a handsome prince of course – and would raid her mother's jewellery box for the biggest ring she could find. It was always the same, gaudy looking stone stuck to dull looking silver, an item which her mother obviously had never worn, but an item which fitted her chubby finger all the same.

"Is the lady pleased?"

The maid's voice roused her from the fond memories, and Hitomi turned around, flashing her a warm smile.

"Yes. Thank you." She turned back to the mirror, "It's…it's beautiful."

The woman nodded, and began to pack up the little sewing kit she'd brought with her "Yes well, the King sent for it first thing this morning. Many women would likely kill for such a gown."

"Oh…well I—"

"I must say, he's never acted like this before." She continued pensively, "Demanding expensive gowns for mysterious women…" Giving Hitomi a wary glance, she walked to the door, "you must be someone special to him, my lady, or else he would not have requested such a thing…"

Hitomi felt heat rise to her cheeks. "Thank you for the dress." She said quietly as the woman continued to watch her. The maid nodded, seeming to understand the unspoken dismissal, and closed the door behind her.

In the silent moments that followed, Hitomi couldn't help but smile.

"Someone special?" She whispered, turning back to her reflection in the mirror.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Hitomi had been watched by a lot of people over the years. She had been watched, recorded, questioned, tested and had generally been in a multitude of uncomfortable and frightening situations that many would find unbearable – but nothing, _nothing,_ could have prepared her for this.

Currently, she sat by the straight side of a large semi-circular table, surrounded by six middle-aged men in six over-sized chairs who were, it seemed, _not_ in high spirits. None of them appeared to be acquainted with the idea of subtlety, and she found herself enduring each ponderous gaze as if she were a questionable looking piece of meat.

They had been sitting in silence for the past six and a half minutes now (she had been counting every second mentally), and were apparently awaiting Van's arrival. Looking down at her hands, which were presently fidgeting with some of the delicate beading on her skirt, Hitomi wondered if he'd actually planned on attending. After all, nobody had told _her _he'd be coming before she'd entered the room. She had assumed it would literally be her and his advisors, discussing how she was not, infact, a prostitute or something similar.

She sighed, a very audible sigh in the otherwise silent room, and looked to the large doors on her right, several metres away.

To her surprise, they opened quite suddenly, and the King of Fanelia, Van Slanzar de Fanel, entered in all his wonderfully understated glory. His eyes caught hers briefly as he came through the door before he walked slowly over to the largest seat at the table, directly opposite where she sat. He seemed to be wearing the same trousers and boots she had seen him in yesterday, but donned a different, long sleeved jacket (also black, she noted) that was mostly done up this time, aside from the few buttons that were meant to pull the high collar together. His hair was, as usual, in a state of charming disarray. She loved the fact that it was actually slightly longer now, slightly more disobedient and wild. She'd often thought about—

"Your Highness," One of the men said, his tone tight with suppressed impatience, "I trust you are well this morning?"

Van nodded as he sat down, "Very well, thank you Brechin." He looked over at the man briefly before directing his gaze to Hitomi.

She was appalled to feel a faint blush creep to her cheeks.

"And how are you this morning, Lady Kanzaki?" Van asked, a hint of amusement in his deep voice. He wasn't smiling, but his eyes seemed to be.

Hitomi stared at him for a moment, quite bewildered by the title he had just bestowed upon her, "Lady Kan—?"

She stopped when she saw him nod subtly as he brought his elbows up to rest on the table.

"Uh…yes, I'm…quite well thank you very much, V— "

_Oops._

"I mean…your…um…your highness." She added meekly.

Hitomi winced at her own ignorance, and decided against looking up at him again, choosing instead to study the bit of wooden table in front of her. She was somewhat surprised however, when a wonderful, low, rippling laugh reached her ears.

"Good."

And she raised her head to see him actually smiling now, obviously quite amused at hearing a girl who'd slapped him twice call him "your highness."

"Your highness," the smile fell almost immediately as Brechin spoke again, "My apologies for interrupting formalities, but might we proceed? No doubt you are aware of the other meetings we must attend today."

Van kept his gaze on Hitomi for a few seconds before turning to him, "Of course." He said, "You may proceed, Brechin."

_Proceed with what?!_

_What's meant to be proceeding?!_

"Lady Kanzaki," Brechin stood, "What is your business in the palace?"

She froze.

_What?!_

Was this just some exceedingly formal questioning session?! Gods, she thought she was finished with all of that…

Flashing Van a look of utter desperation that could only imply one thing: "HELP ME", she turned to the rather large man walking towards her.

"Well I-I…" She stuttered, "I don't really—"

"She has returned to Gaea from the mystic moon. I called her back here, you know that."

Hitomi relaxed visibly, and resisted the urge to run over to Van and hug him for answering in her place, and for seeming ever so slightly outraged by the question.

Brechin gave a small, insincere smile. Looking over to Van, he answered "With all due respect, your majesty, I asked the Lady."

_Shit._

He brought his gaze back to Hitomi, "Lady Kanzaki? What is it that you want?"

"Brechin—" Van's warning went unheard.

"What is it that I want?!" Hitomi repeated in disbelief, her shyness momentarily evaporating. "I don't want anything!" She added defensively.

Brechin raised his thick, orange eyebrows, "Beg pardon, my lady, I did not wish for the question to vex you, it is simply my intent to understand what you wish to achieve by staying here."

Hitomi raised her own eyebrows at his comment, "And what if I do not intend to 'achieve'—" She formed her fingers into speech marks for emphasis, "—anything at all?"

The large man looked away from her unexpectedly, catching the eyes of a few of his fellow advisors before showing Hitomi a rather sickening smile, "Well you can understand, my lady, that not many can honestly say such a thing." He took a step towards her and leaned forward in order to exaggerate his stage whisper, "Especially not those who concern themselves so intimately with the young King."

Hitomi fought the heat that threatened to rise to her cheeks.

"That's enough, Brechin."

Van's irate tone caused her to glance over at him, and she noticed the danger quite apparent in his dark eyes as he looked at the man standing beside her. Brechin, however, seemed unperturbed.

"I only say this because you are not the first to try…my Lady." He added, flashing her that disgusting smile again before turning to Van and giving him a shallow bow. He returned to his seat with a smugness that Hitomi found nauseating.

After a few moments, she looked over at Van again, only to find his gaze locked with Brechin's in some kind of tense, wordless exchange.

"…_**you are not the first to try…"**_

"Your majesty," Another, rather decrepit looking advisor spoke up, "I believe our time is up. We will adjourn for now, and perhaps reconvene tomorrow morning?"

It took a moment for Van to realise somebody had spoken, but eventually, he looked away from Brechin and nodded once to the other, older man.

"Very well." He said at length, sighing as he ran a hand through his thick, black hair, "Until tomorrow then."

It was at this moment that all eyes turned to Hitomi.

_Oh gods, what do they want now?_

Brechin cleared his throat.

"It is customary for the…guest," he sneered, "to leave first."

And it was then that, for some reason, Hitomi was suddenly overcome with the urge to cry. Gods, she hadn't been bullied since she was seven years old, and even then it had only been because of her boy-short hair. Now her hair was well past her shoulders and—

That wasn't the point.

"Oh…" She mumbled, biting her lip as tears stung the back of her eyes. With as much grace as she could manage, she pushed her chair back and stood up. Everyone else seemed to do the same after she did this, and she froze momentarily before she realised it was simply a formality. The doors seemed to open from outside, and she took her cue to leave.

_Just look at the floor…_

_Look at the floor…_

And she did. She walked out of the room with her head down, staring at the rough, wooden floorboards.

And luckily, the first tear fell only when she had turned out of the door.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

She had no idea where she was running to. In fact, she had no idea how she was somehow _managing_ to run in the ridiculous amount of petticoats she was wearing, or the stiff shoes that bit the back of her feet - but no longer being able to hear Van's distant angry rebukes or Brechin's toneless replies, she assumed she must have come quite a long way down the corridor.

Gods, what had happened back there? That man, that disgusting man, Brechin, had made her feel so…desperate. She had felt so tiny and insignificant in that big room, by that big table… and when she had tried to stand up for herself, he had destroyed her defence with a few, meagre words.

"Hitomi!"

_Shit._

She winced at Van's voice and attempted to pick up her pace.

Unfortunately, this resulted in her stumbling rather ungracefully into the wall.

_Shit._

She stayed perfectly still for a moment, both her palms flat against the cool plaster, before deciding that it was perhaps time to admit defeat. There was no chance she could out-run Van.

_Stupid dress. _

"Just leave me alone." She murmured, more to herself than to him, and closed her eyes as she rested her head against the wall.

Grimacing inwardly as she heard his footsteps come to a halt beside her, she bit her lip in an attempt to stop crying.

"Hitomi…" His gentle voice urged her to open her eyes, but she didn't. "Where are you going?"

Hitomi smiled in spite of herself. "I don't know," She laid her forehead against the wall, twisting her body away from him more, "…just…somewhere else."

She jumped a little as she felt an arm come around her waist, and opened her eyes

"Come on," He said softly, "We should talk."

_No…no we shouldn't. _

_I don't want to talk about…about other women you've wanted to stay here._

"No." She tried to move out of his grip, but he wouldn't let her, "Just—"

"Hitomi—"

"Van—" she struggled harder, even though the rational part of her brain was willing her to let herself be held by him, have him stroke her hair and tell her everything would be alright…

_No!_

She whirled so her back was to the wall in an attempt to push away from him, but soon found herself in an even worse position, with both of Van's arms braced either side of her. She twisted, clutching at his sleeves, desperately trying to escape the invincible barrier his strong arms provided.

"Van…" She whispered urgently, not even trying to stop the tears that fell, creasing his jacket as she held clumps of it in her fists. "Let me go…" She flinched as he pulled her towards him, ignoring the heat that seemed to spread from his hand on the small of her back. "Please, just—"

"Why are you trying to run away from me?" His quiet voice tickled her ear, and was filled with a painfully sincere compassion that made her ache. She swallowed thickly.

"I…I'm not running away, I just—"

"Your Majesty!"

Both heads turned abruptly in the direction of the noise. A man, an advisor, had just appeared from the doors at the end of the hall and seemed currently to be scanning the area for signs of the absent king. Van suddenly moved away from her, grabbing her hand and looking round hastily. She saw his eyes focus on something a little further down the corridor shortly before he tugged her after him in the direction he'd been looking.

"What are you—" was all she managed to get out before she was pushed into a room that resembled a small study.

"Tell me you didn't listen to what Brechin said in there." He closed the door behind him and took her hand firmly in his own, "You shouldn't listen to anything that man says, it's always a—"

"I don't mind, Van." She took her hand out of his and attempted to move away, looking at the carpet as she did so, "I'm sure women are falling all over you, I mean… you're a …you're a very attractive—"

He caught her arm, and she looked back at him to see his eyes narrowed.

"What?"

Hitomi swallowed.

"Well…I mean, B-Brechin…He said that I'm not the first you've wanted to stay here and I…I'm ok with that—"

"No, you're not." He interrupted her.

Gods, how she wished she could argue with him.

"You're not ok with it, otherwise you wouldn't be acting like this."

"Acting like what?!" She asked defensively, tugging on her arm. Van made an exasperated noise.

"Like this!" He said, gesturing to the arm she was attempting to pull of out his reach, "not letting me touch you!"

She managed to break free of his grasp, furious for reasons she didn't want to admit.

"Well why do you even want to touch me in the first place?!" She shouted, rubbing the arm he'd been holding.

Van stepped forward.

"Why do you think?!"

"Well I don't know, do I?!"

"Because you're beautiful!"

"Well ma—" She blinked. "What?"

She moved back as Van abruptly closed the space between them, but he managed to catch her around the waist and hold her to his large, warm body…much to Hitomi's dismay.

_Gods, how does he always manage to do that?_

She brought her hands up to his shoulders in a futile attempt to push him away, but suddenly found herself gripping the fabric there as she felt his head move beside hers and his lips brush her ear lightly.

_And that too…_

"Believe me," He breathed, and she bit her lip again, "When I say that none of them mattered."

"But—" Hitomi tried meekly.

"No, listen." His voice firmer now, he moved his head back so he could look at her, "The only one…" He swallowed and closed his eyes briefly, in a way which made Hitomi dread his next words.

_Oh no…_

_The only one he's… liked? O-Or enjoyed being with??_

_The only one…the only one he's… loved?_

_Who was it?_

"The only one I've ever wanted is you." Van seemed to force the words out, and his eyes opened to hold hers fiercely.

Hitomi felt all the oxygen leave her lungs quite suddenly, and she clutched the material at his shoulders as she fought the urge to collapse under his words.

"But I couldn't _have_ you." He continued, holding her closer, "And you…you kept convincing yourself you couldn't have me either so I…just…"

"It's ok…" Hitomi managed to whisper.

But it wasn't.

And she knew it wasn't fair to think so, but every time she thought about the implications of these "other women"…she felt…sick.

Images of Van holding them like this, and kissing them and…doing more—

"You're lying." He said softly. Hitomi shook her head and looked away from him.

"I'm…I'm not, I just—"

"You just don't believe me?" He turned her face towards him gently, but his voice was becoming louder, "you _still _don't believe in me?"

The silence that followed was as revealing as anything she could have said.

Abruptly he left her, and the warmth of his body vanished before she could relish it. He stepped back and turned away, and she found herself unconsciously reaching out for him.

"Van, don't—"

"I'm real, Hitomi." Her heart raced as she saw him unbuttoning his jacket.

"W-What are you doing?"

"I'm proving it to you." He said shortly.

_What?!_

"You're…" She swallowed as he turned round. He'd unbuttoned the top of his coat, as well as the shirt underneath, and a rather large section of a rather toned chest came into her view.

"Van, I don't—"

He closed the space between them again and grabbed her hand.

"Van—"

"Do you feel this?"

He settled her hand on the warm skin in the centre of his chest, where she could feel the rapid beat of his heart underneath.

Hitomi could barely breathe.

"Do you?" His words hung in the air, an unspoken plea.

_**His lips brushed hers, sweet, light, delicate.**_

"_**Do you?" He breathed against her mouth. **_

"Yes…" the word came out broken under the weight of her emotion.

Van placed his hand over hers.

"Then believe me," He whispered, "When I say that I love you,"

Hitomi closed her eyes.

"and that I always have—"

"Van—" She choked.

"—and that you mean more to me than anything I've ever known."

Hitomi couldn't stop the little sob that escaped her then, and she fisted the hand against his chest. She opened her eyes when he removed it, and gasped softly as he slowly, slowly brought it to his lips.

And then tenderly, he opened her fingers and laid a sweet, delicate kiss on her palm.

"Van…"

He leaned in towards her then, so close to her that their noses touched.

"Say you believe me…" His arms came around her waist again, and he splayed his hands against her back, one high and one low, "Please…say you believe in me."

And finally, looking into his eyes, feeling his arms embrace her, his warmth and love surround her…she whispered the words she'd denied for five years.

"I… believe in you, Van."

_I love you._

The touch of his lips on her own was so soft, so pure and yet so marvellously sensual that every thought seemed to slip from her grasp in a single moment. The lush pressure of his mouth made her shiver with longing, and she slipped her hands behind his neck without even willing herself to do so. She tasted him as he possessed her with small, slow kisses that left her aching for something more, and she opened her mouth to his helplessly, the languorous sweep of his tongue causing a rush of sinful heat to spread through her.

She clutched at his hair as she ran her fingers through it, the kiss deepening without either realising the desperation that had somehow grown between them. One of Van's hands found its way to the nape of her neck, and he pulled her closer, a small moan escaping from somewhere deep in his throat.

"Wait…" Hitomi pulled back suddenly, her breath coming fast. Van leaned in again, but his lips brushed the skin of her cheek as she turned her face away. She felt him smile, his breath warm on her flushed face, before he began to trail torturous kisses along her jaw.

"Van…" She moaned in what was meant to be frustration, unconsciously tilting her head when his hot mouth travelled down her neck.

"mm?" He nipped lightly at her collarbone, causing her to gasp and tighten her hold on him.

"Aren't you— oh don't do that…" His lips were travelling lower, and she suddenly became very conscious of the revealing cut of her bodice, "Van…you're meant to be in a…" She gasped and felt his smile on her skin again, "you're…a meeting…Van you…you can't stay…"

A knock at the door caused both of them to freeze.

"Your majesty? Your presence is required immediately."

_I told you…_

Van brought his face up to her flushed one, and gave her a look which successfully conveyed his disappointment. He closed his eyes and let out a small sigh.

"I'll be out in a moment." He shouted towards the door behind him.

Hitomi bit her lip again as he turned back to her.

"I have to go." He said quietly, before giving her another, slightly more innocent kiss.

She pulled away after a few moments, before he had a chance to deepen it, and smoothed some of the hair from in front of his eyes tenderly.

"You might want to neaten yourself up a bit …" She smiled a little, and brought her hand down to tug at the collar of his jacket.

He let out a small chuckle, and the deep, seductive sound made her want to kiss him again.

Gods, his kisses were like…fire. She felt so utterly vulnerable in his arms; it was like nothing she'd ever known. When Van kissed her, she felt alive and desirable and just…amazing. Nobody had ever kissed her like that before. Ever.

When she'd been on Earth, most guys had just stayed away from her. After all, who wanted to get with someone who was apparently insane? Well, some of them did end up wanting to, but they had always seemed wary of her whilst on a date. She almost found it funny the way some must have thought she might suddenly pull a knife on them and ask them to come to her "home planet" or something.

Maybe it had just been pity…or maybe dares or just… stupidity that had made those guys ask her out. None of them understood her, none of them even wanted to; so what was the point in even trying?

_Gods, I hate men._

"I don't want to know what you've done to my hair." Van said, and smiled as he took his arms from around her waist, proceeding to do up his coat.

_Well…perhaps not all men. _

Hitomi let out an amused "Hm" and followed him with her eyes as he walked to the door. He glanced back at her briefly before opening it to reveal a rather tense looking middle-aged man.

"Your highness." The man said at once, giving him a shallow bow, "You—"

"—Are needed immediately, I know, Jekim. I'll return at once. Give the others my apologies."

Jekim nodded hastily and bowed again before heading off in the direction of the large doors at the end of the hall.

"Well," Van said after a few seconds, turning towards Hitomi as she approached him, "this is farewell, Lady Kanzaki." And he took her hand lightly, making her blush at the previous memory of what he had done with it, and kissed the back of it in a most gentlemanly fashion, looking up from beneath his lashes and showing her a hint of a dazzling smile he must of worked on all these years.

Hitomi could only nod in response, seemingly rendered speechless at his undeniable charm.

_No wonder so many women fell for him—_

_Wait, that's not important. _

He placed the hand down at her side after his lips had lingered on it for a moment too long, and Hitomi saw a decision waver in his eyes as he looked at her intently.

And suddenly, decision made, he leaned in towards her again, and stole her lips in another delicious kiss.

_No wonder…_

"See you later." He whispered as he pulled back.

"B-Bye…" She breathed, and he smiled again before turning away.

And it wasn't until he'd reached the doors at the end of the corridor that Hitomi realised she missed him. Already, she missed him; his eyes, his smile, the heat of him next to her.

"I love you too." She said quietly, her eyes following him as he vanished from her sight.

"I love you too, Van."

* * *

**Oh my! haha what a terrible terrible terrible ending!**

**My sincere apologies lol**

**Leave me a review then, even if it's just to comment on the disastrous end of the chapter :P**


	5. Touch

**Disclaimer: I don't.**

**A/N: I apologise for the immense and pointless length of this chapter, but I do hope you persevere to the end - I tried to make it interesting :P**

**The reason it's so long?**

**Well that's easy.**

**Writing it has been a fantastic way of avoiding revision :D **

**Enjoy!**

* * *

It was an absolutely beautiful day. 

Hitomi let out a long sigh as she lay back on the soft grass. The sky was an intense, vivid blue, untainted and unscarred, without even a cloud to obscure its purity. The wind whispered almost musically, poetically through the branches above her and the long grass beside her, offering a wonderful mixture of warmth and refreshment as it blew against the bare skin of her neck. A nearby stream was babbling in a relaxed fashion, its calming sounds making her drowsiness quite apparent as she closed her eyes.

All in all, it was wonderful.

She supposed it must be late spring, since the flowers surrounding her seemed stunningly vibrant and new, as if they were drinking in the sun for the first time, and everything else in the palace gardens was brimming with a passionate life and colour that was simply too gorgeous to ignore.

The sun was beginning to set though; she could feel it on the breeze. She'd been out here for atleast six hours now, maybe more. After the rather intense exchange with Van that morning, she had decided against wandering the corridors aimlessly whilst she waited for him, and instead chose to find some slightly more interesting way of passing the time. Finding a door leading to the palace gardens, or rather the small forest that was seemingly contained _behind_ the palace, she had begun to explore the area outside, going deeper and deeper into the beautiful surroundings with each passing hour.

She had used the time to dwell on everything that had happened; how she'd got here, what she was supposed to do now that she _was_ here, and of course, the startlingly romantic declaration of love from the sinfully attractive King of Fanelia.

She bit her lip as her memories strayed to the scene a few hours ago.

Just thinking about it made her blush, made heat spread like fire through her veins as she remembered his soft, sensual lips upon her own. That was the second time he'd kissed her now…

_Gods…how surreal…_

It was so strange, to think that this time five years ago she was here, confused and scared and generally rather doubtful the situation was even real at all. This time five years ago, she had recently slapped a young, arrogant prince.

And now…

Now…

She was in love with him.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Hitomi opened her eyes to darkness.

_What the…?_

The sky's hue was no longer the deep azure, but a thick, endless black that seemed to devour every blurred shape around her. She shivered as a cold, biting wind moved through the trees restlessly.

_I must have fallen asleep…_

It wasn't really a surprising revelation, seeing as she hadn't actually slept properly in the last two days…or much before then either. But it was an unfortunate place to finally give in to her fatigue, since she had absolutely no clue where she was and absolutely no clue how to find her way back, not to mention the fact that she couldn't see past the end of her nose.

_Van will be angry._

_Or…worried?_

She sat up.

_He__ doesn't know where I am…_

_In fact, nobody does._

She bit down on her lip.

_Shit._

What was she supposed to do now?

Wait until morning in a dark, unfamiliar forest?

_Not likely…_

Getting up from the grass, Hitomi brushed her skirts off and looked around hastily, trying somehow to gauge where she might have come from, or atleast make out some kind of path. This idea, unfortunately, was short lived, since she appeared solely capable of discerning big black shapes from slightly bigger black shapes.

And even that was proving a challenge.

With a rising sense of panic, she stepped blindly forward a few paces, cursing under her breath as another gust of chilling wind made her shiver.

_Gods, what a mess. _

"Hello?!" She shouted, just in case someone happened to be out there in the middle of the night. It seemed the chances of such a thing were…not promising. She stretched her arms in front of her. "Is anybody out h— ow!"

She brought her hand up to her eyes in an attempt to see the damage done by the offending plant. The action was rather pointless, since she still couldn't see anything. She could feel blood trickling down the back of her hand though, and a surprising amount of pain spreading over every inch of her clammy skin.

_What the hell was that?_

She stepped forward, narrowing her eyes, trying to focus on what had cut her, but emitted another cry of dismay as a similar stinging sensation bit the side of her neck and the uncovered skin of her upper torso.

"Ah!"

She twisted away, but her terror was only exaggerated when she felt the thorns of the thing all around her. She gasped as, with another gust of wind, her skirt became caught on…whatever it was, and her legs became vulnerable to the agonising scratches that were marking increasingly more of her skin's surface.

Hitomi suddenly felt undeniably dizzy, and somewhat nauseous. As she struggled to gain freedom from the harmful thorns and branches of the plant, her energy seemed to leave her with a sort of calming ease, almost pleasurable in the complete release of tension from every muscle in her body. Her mind tried to hold onto the thoughts that begged to be smothered by unconsciousness as she futilely pushed the sharp undergrowth away.

The only thought she managed to keep track of seemed the only logical one.

_This is not good._

Her dress ripped as her knees hit the cold ground, and the recognisable sharpness stung her cheek.

"Van…" She whispered helplessly, her eyes closing.

_This is not good._

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Consciousness came back to her in torturously slow waves.

She had been "awake" for some time, and yet she couldn't seem to process anything other than the fact she felt as if she'd been sleeping for years. She vaguely became aware of a dull throbbing everywhere in her body, but dismissed it, as one can in the early stages of awakening. What she felt was similar to the very late stages of inebriation, being pleasantly unaware of sensation, but somewhat aware that what sensation there was was not pleasant at all.

The feeling of drunkenness remained, she noticed, but with each long minute her senses began to sharpen. Her breathing was slow and steady, light and deep at the same time, and she felt as if she could fall back into darkness at any moment. But for some reason she felt herself fighting the thought, and urged her body to awaken.

Her fingers twitched, her mouth parting a little as she slid her tongue slowly over the full shape of her lower lip. She winced as she felt a swollen cut on one side of it.

_Huh? _

_How did that—?_

Her eyes shot open, and she was immediately drowned in the full extent of the ache she'd been ignoring. Every nerve felt on fire with pain, white hot pain, as she remembered.

_The gardens… I was lost…that stupid plant—_

She flinched, and then gasped as her mind exploded in pain at the movement. Gods, her head felt as though it had been smashed one too many times on a large, blunt rock.

"Hitomi?"

She squinted, another painful action, and deciphered the outline of a seated, black-clad figure.

"Van…" She croaked; even her throat ached, "Where…" She tried, but closed her eyes as she was overcome with dizziness.

She felt a gentle hand on her forehead, and heard a discontented sigh above her.

"Don't talk." He said quietly, "Don't try to move either."

"I—" She breathed, her brow furrowing as pain shot through her.

"Just listen." His hand moved from her forehead, and light fingers brushed down the side of her face intimately, "I came to find you when you didn't come back last night." The caress faltered. When he spoke again his voice was slightly hoarse, "And when I did…you were unconscious and bleeding."

Hitomi swallowed painfully.

"I…" She tried again, but he shushed her softly, and the gentle fingers pushed some hair away from her eyes.

"You were scratched by what we call a black rose." He went on, "A very poisonous plant. You've been asleep for almost a day."

Hitomi did her best to smile slightly, but doubted the slight twitch of her lips was noticeable, "I've stolen your bed again."

She opened her eyes to see his face cast in an expression of both anxiety and relief. "I don't mind." He whispered as he traced the line of her jaw, shaking his head slowly and smiling a little himself.

He looked tired, she noted. Tired, stressed and worried – all rather uncomfortable emotions that she had most likely evoked in him. His hair was even more ruffled and messy than it usually was, no doubt from the many times he'd run his fingers through it waiting for her to stir. She longed to smooth the crease in his brow, comfort him like he was comforting her with his gentle touch. She wanted to tell him she was sorry for all the trouble she'd caused, to thank him for finding her, for looking after her like he'd always done. She wanted to say so much, but found she just didn't have the energy.

The pain was fading again into that familiar numbing, dull ache, and her eyes closed of their own accord.

"Stay with me." She breathed, barely aware of what she was doing as everything faded around her. But she vaguely felt his fingers lace through her own as her senses vanished, and his lips brush against her temple lightly, his voice low and soft in her ear.

"Always."

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

"My lady, I don't think—"

"Listen." Hitomi roughly pushed back the hair in front of her eyes, "I've been in bed for four days and have been feeling absolutely fine for three." She threw back the duvet again, much to the maid's dismay. "I'm getting up now, and you can't stop me."

"But my lady—!"

"I need a bath, Lea! I haven't washed yet!" She said desperately to the maid, whom she'd grown familiar with over the past few days. The rosy-cheeked woman looked like a younger, prettier and much slimmer version of the one who'd helped her into the dress on that first morning she'd been here, almost a week ago now. She wondered if they were perhaps related.

"My lady—" Lea said nervously as Hitomi got shakily to her feet.

"I'm _fine_, and for the hundredth time, it's Hitomi." She put her hand on Lea's shoulder as she steadied herself.

"Oh, please do be careful!" The maid's anxious voice made Hitomi smile as she attempted a few steps. She gripped the far bedpost as she got there, and grinned triumphantly as she turned back to her friend.

"Can I have a bath, Lea? Please? Could you run me one? Or… just tell me where one is and I'll—"

"Of course, my Lady." She smiled, curtsied, and moved towards a door on the other side of the room.

"Thank you so much!" She called to her as she disappeared into the bathroom. "And it's Hitomi!" She added as she heard the sound of running water.

_Fanelian plumbing? _

_Interesting._

After relinquishing her grip on the bedpost, Hitomi attempted a few more steps. It seemed so odd to her that she had absolutely no strength, but she supposed the dangerous amount of poison in her bloodstream four days before and several days of forced bed-rest since then wasn't bound to result in high energy levels.

With every step she took though, a little strength returned, and as she walked onto the balcony, the sun warmed her skin for the first time in days. She closed her eyes in bliss as she stood, in full view of anyone in the gardens, in a rather translucent white nightgown, smiling.

"My lady?" Lea's voice came after a few minutes, "The bath is run." Hitomi turned round and watched her curtsy, "I will leave you now."

"Thanks, Lea." She smiled warmly, and the young maid gave her one of her own before curtsying again and leaving the room.

Hitomi sighed as she was left in peace for the first time in what felt like years. She made her way to the bathroom, removing her nightgown as she did so, briefly wondering what time it was as she pushed open the door. But then her eyes settled on the steaming water in the huge bath, big enough for atleast seven, large versions of herself, and she forgot mostly everything she'd been thinking about before.

She hissed through her teeth as she lowered herself into it, mostly from the pleasure of the clean, hot water on her skin, but also partly from the harsh sting of the unhealed cuts on her body. She was pleased though, to note that most of them had healed spectacularly quickly, unbelievably so. Whether it was an effect of the poison wearing off, she didn't know, but the scratches had mostly vanished now, with the exception of the one on the side of her neck, a few on her hands, and a couple on her chest.

She mentally cursed the low-cut dress she had been wearing that day, even if it _had been_ beautiful.

She lay there, completely relaxed, for a long time. Her thoughts remained silent at first, but soon enough strayed to Van. No surprises there.

He hadn't seen her in two days now, after the worst had passed, but she didn't mind. She felt so guilty about asking him to stay with her for all that time, and absolutely awful about the fact that she'd stolen his room from him.

Although she had to admit… his unique, summery scent on the sheets was wonderful to wake up to.

But anyway, it was understandable that he'd have work to catch up on, or that he perhaps wanted a break from her.

Completely understandable.

She washed again before she, at length, got out, revelling in the wonderful sense of cleanliness as she wrapped a fluffy towel around herself. Steam swirled through the door as she opened it and walked into the bedroom, eager to get into some fresh clothes.

It was then that she halted mid-stride, realising that she did not, in fact, _have_ any clothes.

_Great. _

_I'll wear a __**towel **__to dinner. _

She let out an impatient sigh, scanning the room for anything that might be of help, and her eyes settled on the ornate wardrobe in the corner.

_Worth a shot. _

She went over, stumbling slightly on the rug before it, and opened the large wooden doors.

It didn't surprise her that every item of clothing was black. Different types of black jackets, black trousers and boots graced the interior of the wooden armoire.

_N__ot one trace of colour. _

It made her curious as to why he chose to dress this way. Was there a reason behind it?

She moved various items aside in search for something, anything that she could put on herself. Thankfully, right at the end of the rail she found a large, white shirt.

_It'll have to do._

She took it down, looked towards the door to check it was closed, dropped the towel shortly afterward and slipped the garment over her head. She smiled as she inhaled the scent that clung so lovingly to the fabric.

Walking over to the mirror and seeing that it fell only mid-thigh, she bit her lip, but decided it was decent enough to walk around the room in anyway. The drawstring was loose above her chest, baring rather a lot of skin, but she didn't think to do it up. She rolled up the sleeves so they didn't look quite so ridiculous on her.

_Gods, it shouldn't be this comfortable wearing nothing but a man's shirt. _

She stretched her arms above her head and yawned, looking out to the balcony where the sun still shone resolutely over the kingdom.

_Guess I can't go to bed yet…_

Even if she was feeling better, she was still absolutely exhausted. The whole experience had drained her, and though the bath had soothed them, her muscles were still sore.

There was a knock on the door, Lea most probably, and Hitomi couldn't help but feel a little disappointed she'd have to put on something else as it opened. Wearing this shirt was just like having Van next to her, and she felt somewhat connected to him by the fact the fabric had touched his skin as intimately as it was touching hers…

Still looking in the mirror, she spoke to the person who'd just entered, "Don't laugh at me Lea, I know it looks stupid." She turned to the door, "But I just realised that I literally have no…"

Her eyes widened.

_Oh. Shit._

"…clothes." She finished, staring at Van as he stood leaning against the doorframe, eyebrows slightly raised.

"So I see." He said quietly.

Hitomi blushed furiously, from head to toe in fact, a reaction that was unfortunately blindingly obvious in the glorious light of the room, not to mention her state of undress. She almost fainted when she saw a ghost of a smile pass his lips.

"I-I…I hope you don't mind, I just…your clothes…and I thought…I…" She stuttered before sighing in defeat and looking at the rug at her feet.

"…sorry." came her rather meek apology.

She heard Van close the door, "Don't apologise." He said, the smile carrying in his voice, "it looks far better on you than it does on me."

She flushed even more, if that was possible, and let out a nervous laugh. She'd never felt quite so uncomfortable in all her life.

"Um…do you think I could buy some dresses or something?" She crossed her arms over her chest, "I'll work to pay for them and stuff, I just really don't think your advisors would appreciate me roaming the palace in one of your shirts." She couldn't help but smile when he laughed then, a low, deep and undeniably sexy chuckle.

"I've already had some sent for," He walked to the bed and sat on the end of it, near where Hitomi stood, the smile not having left his face, "I'll get someone to bring them up in a few minutes."

Hitomi swallowed.

_Why can't you get someone to bring them up __**now**_

_How long are you planning on subjecting me to this torture?!_

"Thanks." She said, and mentally flinched as Van got up and walked towards her. She stepped back from him without even meaning to, and his smile faltered for the first time since he'd entered the room.

"What is it?" He halted, an anxious look passing over his handsome features. Hitomi was still looking at the floor, still covering her chest, still wishing she'd had more sense than to not wear any underpants.

"Nothing…" She said quietly, "I just…feel uh…a bit…"

_Naked?!_

"Strange…" she finished, looking up at him.

She wished she hadn't after doing so. He looked wonderful today, even though he was in clothes she'd seen him in before; he just looked so powerful and…attractive. It was almost mesmerising the way he simply emanated a kind of….sexual… _heat_ that no female past the age of sixteen could ignore or deny. His eyes, a deep chocolate with hints of lush burgundy wine in their depths, were constantly filled with an insatiable fire that fascinated her, that froze her to the spot when she looked into them.

But it was his lips that made her breath catch whenever she saw them. Perfect, sinful, sensual lips that knew too much.

Far too much.

She hadn't even realised she was staring at them again; not until Van said something else and they moved, and even then she could barely hear his voice as she watched them.

"We need to talk." She heard him say, and finally brought her gaze back up to his. His expression was intense, as she had seen it so many times before, and she swallowed.

"O-Ok." She said, and walked over to stand in front of the balcony doors, unable to bear the way he looked at her. He beheld her with a sort of…wariness, and yet at the same time, a startling protectiveness that shocked her. Such emotions were powerful when they were etched onto his regal features.

She heard him sigh, and imagined him to be running a hand through his hair.

"I'm…I'm sorry for not seeing you these past two days, it's just Brechin—"

"It's ok, Van." A small, foreign bird landed on the balcony rail, and Hitomi smiled as it began a beautiful birdsong, "I've been feeling fine anyway, although nobody around here seems to believe me."

"I still should have been here." He said, irritably, "For one thing, you wouldn't be out of bed if I had been."

Hitomi turned to him, her small smile disappearing, "I said I was fine, Van. Keeping me in that bed was only making me feel worse." She looked back to the balcony to find the bird had flown away.

"Hitomi—"

She turned again, "No, don't 'Hitomi' me, Van. I know my own body. I'm fine."

She felt so helpless with everyone looking after her, couldn't he see that?

Van's eyes narrowed, "Do you even realise how much poison—?"

"Why are you making such a big deal out of this?!"

Van stared at her incredulously for a moment before moving forward. She instinctively stepped back as he did so.

"Why am I—…how can you even—…" He threw his hands up in exasperation, before pacing back and forth rapidly, "You have no idea, _no idea, _how close I came to losing you…" He faced her, running an angry hand through his hair, "_this close_—" He made a tiny gap between his thumb and forefinger, "—to losing you…_ again_!"

Hitomi looked towards the fireplace, feeling rather foolish for denying the ordeal had been frightening, for both of them. Those first two days, when she'd been swimming in and out of consciousness, were a sort of terrifying haze in her memory, and to make out that she hadn't been the least bit concerned for her life was a downright lie.

"But…I'm fine now. It really _isn't _a big deal—" She tried meekly.

"Do you realise that if I hadn't found you when I did, you'd be dead now?!" He continued, his voice filled with passionate fury, "If I hadn't brought you back here in time, given you the right medicine before the poison attacked your heart, you wouldn't be here?!"

Hitomi frowned.

"I didn't _mean _to run into that…_thing_!" She defended, "It wasn't as if I _wanted_ to be poisoned to within an inch of my life!"

Van closed the space between them rapidly, "Well then maybe you shouldn't have gone off unattended!"

"I'm not a child, Van!" She shouted, moving forward so there was barely an inch between their tense bodies, "I'm capable of looking after myself!"

_Oh wait…_

Van's eyes narrowed, "Oh really?" He said, crossing his arms

"Yes!" She shouted her lie.

"Well then I suppose this…" He brought his hand up to the side of her neck, running his fingers down the cut swiftly, but as gently as he'd done it four days ago, "And this…" He trailed his fingers down further, until they passed lightly over the cut just above where the fabric of the shirt began, low on her chest, "Are proof of the capability?"

Hitomi's breath hitched in her throat.

His fingers lingered on the soft skin just above where the cloth covered her, and the electricity from his touch sent her blood racing.

She exhaled unsteadily.

Fighting the urge to close her eyes as an immediate, scalding heat devoured every inch of her, she held his gaze.

_What's happening?_

_Why do I…_

_Why am I so breathless…_

Van's lips parted slightly, and his eyes darkened as he noticed the tremor that went through her body.

He swallowed.

"Hitomi…" His low voice, suddenly barely audible even in the quiet room, trailed off as his gaze fell to her lips.

And she realised…

_I can't…fight this. _

There was a moment.

A long, charged moment, filled only with the sound of shallow breaths and racing heartbeats and an undeniable sense of …

… need.

And then it happened too quickly for her to fully comprehend.

She was suddenly in his arms, in his desperate, protective embrace. His lips were on hers, hard and insistent but luscious and warm, and she almost sank to her knees as her body seemed to slacken into his. She returned the kiss with equal fervour, and raised her hands to his shoulders as he pulled her tighter against him.

"I'm sorry," He breathed as he trailed his lips across her jaw, and she tilted her head as they travelled down the slim column of her neck.

"For what…" She managed to whisper through her passion.

"For—" He nipped at her collarbone and she gasped, "—shouting at you."

"S'ok…" Was all she got out before his mouth returned to hers, and this time he explored it fully, deeply, so much so that she couldn't hold in the little moan that arose from somewhere within her.

She hardly realised when one of his hands trailed up her side, but as it brushed lightly past the covered skin of her chest, she pulled away from him, inhaling sharply, breaking the intense embrace.

Van blinked.

"What…what is it?" He asked anxiously. He was panting, and an undeniable redness had settled high on his cheekbones.

Bringing her hands up to her own cheeks, Hitomi felt the raw heat emanating from her skin. Her breathing was as shallow as his, and she felt as if she'd run a mile.

"I…I…sorry, I wasn't…I wasn't expecting you…" She fixed her eyes on the collar of his jacket, "…to…to do that."

She saw him swallow.

"Oh…" He said quietly, looking away from her as he ran a hand through his hair.

_So he does that when he's nervous?_

Suddenly she felt very stupid.

"But it…it wasn't because I didn't _like _it." She looked at the floor, trying to redeem herself slightly, although after saying the words she only blushed harder, "I mean…it was…just new…but…it was…I mean it wasn't…it's just…"

_Christ Hitomi, you're twenty years old and you can't even talk to a boy. _

"It's ok." He said, quickly, and she felt the awkwardness in his voice.

_Oh gods, I doubt he's ever been…rejected before. _

"It's just I…" He looked back at her, and she saw him mentally debating whether to say something, "I didn't even realise that I…it was so natural I just…I mean you…in that shirt and then I…"

_Ok, well maybe he isn't great at this either. _

But then he said something which made her heart stop.

"I wanted more."

…

She almost screamed when the door opened abruptly.

"My lady, here are the dresses the King—" Lea's eyes widened to an extraordinary degree as she caught sight of Van, "…M-My Lord..." She stammered, before curtsying as best she could with several dresses in her arms. Hitomi could have sworn the maid's cheeks had reddened when he'd turned to look at her, even if he'd done so a little impatiently.

Hitomi cleared her throat, but suddenly found it uncomfortably constricted. Her eyes went from Van, to Lea, then to Van again…and then again to Lea. She was still staring at him openly, seemingly unaware of Hitomi a few metres away.

_Why does she seem so awed by…_

_Wait a second._

_Has she—_

_Have they…?_

She bit her lip.

_Perhaps it's just a crush._

…

_Please let it be a crush._

"Th-Thankyou Lea." She said eventually, and the woman finally turned to her. She curtsied again and laid the clothes on the bed. But Hitomi couldn't help frowning as she turned back to Van once more, clasping her hands nervously in front of her.

"You have been called for immediately downstairs, your highness." She said quietly, and Van's gaze flickered to Hitomi briefly before he ran a hand down his face in displeasure.

He looked at her again when he spoke.

"Fine."

Hitomi swallowed.

And with a deep bow, he left the room.

He left her.

And she saw Lea's eyes follow him as he went out the door.

* * *

**ooooooooooooo **

**A bit of competition perhaps?**

**Anyway, it's not a "oh no he's engaged to someone else woe is me" fic, so don't worry, and explanations as to the whereabouts of other characters are coming - but the thing is, personally, I'm not interested in side stories of other characters when I'm trying to read a fic specifically about Van and Hitomi, and this is mainly going to be focused on them so...yea. :D**

**Um, I'm actually not happy with the chapter at all, but was getting sick of writing it because it was already 17 pages in MS word lol**

**Please review if you have time, it would lighten my mood and thus make me happier during this, the most stressful time of my life ever EVER**

**thanks :)**

**And thanks to everyone else who _has_ reviewed, you succesfully spurred me on!**


	6. Immune

**Disclaimer: Don't own it.**

**A/N: Oh. My. Days. **

**Let me start with an absolutely massive apology for making everyone wait a stupidly long time for this. I really am sorry, but honestly, I've had no time and no writing ability for like...weeks and weeks and weeks--  
****But anyway, enough of the excuses. This chapter was just...a nightmare (literally! HA! ...you'll understand in a minute just how un-funny that really was.)  
I restarted it about eight times altogether, and finally came up with this - it actually nearly made me lose the will to live, and i'm still just so unhappy with it...ARGH.  
But yea, you guys have just been...well, utterly amazing with your reviews. All of them, each individual one, really helped me get going - really. And it's crazy actually, because everytime I've posted a chapter (aside from the first of course), someone will have reviewed literally a few hours before.**

**...wow, not so amazing now I think about it...but anyway.**

**Advice for reading this chapter? Take. It. Slow. Please! There's so much information flying round everywhere, don't rush it and miss things that are said. Every little thing matters this time, so please please please don't hurry! **

**Remember:**

**_This writing _**- Memories

_This writing _- Thoughts

**Ok...I hope you guys like it, I really do. **

**Enjoy!**

* * *

"…_**I love **__**you**__**." **_

_Voices._

"…_**Please just listen to me." **_

_Or…just one?_

_Where am I?_

"_**I've always loved you."**_

_Van?_

_Where…_

"_**She means nothing to me**__** now, I swear it…but it's not like I can just tell her to leave… she can't even return to where she came from."**_

_Who?_

"…_**I never did."**_

_You never what? Van, what's going on?!_

_Who are you talking to?_

"_**What's wrong?"**_

_Is this a dream?_

"…_**Lea."**_

_Or…a vision?_

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

"My lady? Are you…are you _crying_?"

Hitomi's eyes widened.

"What?" She hastily swiped at the wetness on her cheeks with a silken sleeve, turning from the window.

"Oh, my Lady, you _are_—"

"I'm not, Lea, really I'm not!" She waved an arm half heartedly in dismissal of the idea, sniffing loudly as she plastered on the most convincing fake smile she could muster.

"It's just…you know…hay fever."

"You have a fever?!" The maid rushed forward.

"Oh… no, that's not what I meant." She said helplessly, and intercepted the young woman's hand as it reached for her forehead, replacing it awkwardly at her side, "Hay fever is…well, it's an allergy you get to pollen and…"

Lea cocked her head slightly in misunderstanding.

Hitomi shook her own as she turned back to the window.

"Don't worry about it."

_Please don't talk to me._

"Yes, my Lady."

The maid moved from behind her almost immediately, diligently resuming the task of cleaning the guest room Hitomi had been shoved into the previous evening.

The room wasn't as large as Van's, naturally, but it was still enormous and wonderfully elegant, and had yet another amazing bed, which Lea was in the process of making.

And for that meagre amount of distance between her and the woman, Hitomi was grateful.

Because the dream she'd had the night before still ravaged her tired mind incessantly, and had been doing so since she had awoken, leaving unmerciful, painful trails of disbelief, jealousy and fear in its wake. It had burned such an achingly clear image into her that she daren't even _try _to forget its substance, knowing that such a feat would simply not be possible.

The sheer abnormality of the vision had struck her more than anything else, since she'd solely been able to hear the heated words exchanged and not seen images of any kind. It was all incomplete in her memory; unfinished, disorganised and almost chaotic as she replayed it over and over before her seemingly blinded eyes. And every time she tried to extract any sort of meaning from it, every time she'd try desperately to understand, an unrecognisable and peculiar feeling would stop her, whispering silently to her that something indescribable was…out of place.

Yet she was just so certain of what she'd heard.

And she was certain that Van had been talking to Lea.

"_**She means nothing to me…"**_

"_**I love **__**you**__**."**_

_Don't cry again._

_Don't even think about crying again._

"My Lady—"

"I'm not crying!"

She spun round to face the maid hastily, just to prove the fact.

Lea's expression was filled with mild perplexity.

"Yes… my lady…" She said hesitantly, before bowing slightly in formal apology and taking a few steps towards the ornate wardrobe on the other side of the room, "It is just a hay fever, I am aware now."

Hitomi opened her mouth to correct the poor phrasing, but was interrupted before she had a chance to do so.

"I only meant to ask, my Lady, what you wanted to wear."

Mouth promptly closing, Hitomi glanced down at the beautiful dress she currently donned and raised a questioning eyebrow towards the woman a few metres away.

"But I'm already dressed…" She said warily, taking a few steps forward.

Lea smiled in a faintly patronising way, "That may be so, but this is merely a morning dress," she gestured to the plainly decorated fabric of the garment, "and not something suitable for an audience, my Lady."

Hitomi blinked.

"E-Excuse me, a what?" She choked.

Lea cocked her head.

"Why, the audience, my Lady… With the King's advisors?"

_You've __**got **__to be joking._

"Re-scheduled for this morni— W-where are you going?"

Hitomi had strode briskly past the maid without a word, front teeth sliding along the smooth skin of her bottom lip with a vengeance, and in a way that betrayed her raw anxiety at hearing such news.

"To see Van." She said quickly, reaching for the brass door handle.

Lea ran forward and caught her arm.

"But you mustn't, my Lady! He…" She hesitated briefly, "…h-he ordered not to be disturbed until—"

"Where is he?" Still staring at the door handle, Hitomi's demand was gentle, yet her disquiet, obvious.

Letting go of her arm, Lea took a step backwards.

"He…"

_Oh gods, just __**tell **__me!_

Lea sighed in defeat.

"He is in his chambers, my Lady."

And Hitomi walked out of the door, closing it behind her as she took the first steps into the bright, spacious hallway.

_Right._

She blindly swiped at the remnants of her previous tears, speed-walking down the corridor.

_There is no way I'm going to that meeting without asking him what the hell I'm doing here._

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-oo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Hitomi took a long, deep breath before knocking twice on the solid oak door.

The sharp sound echoed across the hall in the silence, ominous and almost painful to her sensitive ears. She could hear her heart thudding loudly, violently in her chest, and swallowed thickly in an attempt to dispel the surprising amount of fear that had only just begun to simmer uncomfortably under her skin.

_Van is on the other side of this…_

_Oh gods._

Fighting the overwhelming urge to sprint off in the other direction was proving a difficult feat. Her resolve had weakened considerably since she'd set off from the guest room, and it was at this point that her original plan of action began to disintegrate under the familiar and crippling weight of uncertainty.

What was she supposed to be asking him again?

Oh yes.

_What the hell am I doing here if you're in love with someone else?!_

Without warning, the door was suddenly wrenched open.

"AHHH!"

"What the— Hitomi?" Van's eyes widened as he caught sight of the flushed woman, actually screaming in alarm, on the other side of the door.

Fortunately, at seeing his face, Hitomi promptly ceased her cry of terror and raised a hand to her heart in an attempt to stop its embarrassingly rapid beating.

"You uh…you gave me a bit of a shock…" She laughed nervously, still clutching the fabric at her chest.

Van gave a lopsided grin.

"Strange, seeing as it was you who knocked."

Hitomi longed to bang her head on the door in question.

"Right." She said quietly, and dropped her gaze to the plush carpet.

There was a moment of rather awkward silence before Van dispelled it, walking out from behind the wooden barrier.

"Did you…want something?" He asked, placing the quill in his hand behind his ear and leaning on the door frame.

Hitomi looked up and actually lost the ability to speak.

Van wasn't wearing a shirt.

_Kill me. _

_Kill me now._

"Uhm…I-I just—…you uh…you see it's…I—"

Van didn't even try to conceal his amusement, and gave her another one of those terrible, roguish, gut-wrenchingly attractive smiles

"Do you want to come in?"

Hitomi swallowed thickly.

_NO._

"…Ok."

She took a step forward, ignoring the various sirens and warnings flashing dangerously in her head.

"Are you sure it's ok?" She asked meekly as Van opened the door wider, letting her walk past him and into the enormous room, "Lea said something about you asking not to be disturbed, and I'd really hate to—"

Van's brow creased as he turned to her without shutting the door.

"What?"

Hitomi blinked as his exposed torso came into view once more.

_Oh my._

Resisting the rather shocking and overwhelming urge to run her fingers over his beautiful bronzed skin, she dragged her gaze back up to his questioning eyes.

"Lea," She repeated a little breathlessly, "She said that you'd asked not to be disturbed, and that you—"

"I didn't ask that of anyone, let alone Lea." He interrupted warily.

Hitomi frowned, "But then why would she—…oh."

_It's because she doesn't want me to see you._

"What?" Van asked suspiciously, taking a step forward.

Feigning another, rather pathetic smile, Hitomi moved back a step as he did so. Although her instincts were screaming against it, she figured that being at all close to him when he was in such a state of undress would not be the wisest choice, seeing as she fully intended to keep completely focused on the task at hand:

Confrontation.

"Oh nothing," She said quietly, "I just thought that uh…you know…she…"

_Wait, what am I even saying?!_

"Uh…"

Van raised an expectant eyebrow.

"Spit it out, Hitomi."

She swallowed.

"Um…well…"

_Now?_

_Should I ask him now or…_

_Oh Gods, I don't know…I'm awful at this._

"I just thought…" She dropped her gaze to the familiar floorboards, "I just…thought that maybe it's because…maybe you and Lea…"

She looked up to see him tense visibly.

"_**She means nothing to me**__**…"**_

"Maybe…" She continued, raising her voice so the blood rushing through her ears wasn't quite so deafening, and closing her eyes in her own unfaltering resolve, "Maybe you…."

And then it all came rushing out so fast she could barely understand herself.

"Maybe you s-s-slept together and now she's in love with you and you're in love with her and you're just basically in love with each other and the dream I had was real and you only asked me to stay here so you could watch me and you don't l-love me even though you said you did which is just….just…."

She broke down.

"I just…I love you so much! And you…and I can't—"

"Hito—"

"—and all you want to do is send me back! You want to send me back there, to _them_!"

She wrapped her arms around herself protectively, shaking her head from side to side.

"So why did you even call me here?! Why Van?! If you—

"Hitomi—"

"—hate me so much then _why _did you call me here in the first place?! Why d—"

And then she was silent.

Warm, strong arms held her trembling body close, hard.

Van moved his lips to her ear.

"Hitomi," His voice was quiet, but the low timbre conveyed almost a frightening certainty, "I don't know what you think you've seen, but I can tell you now that it is _not_—"

"Last night." She interrupted, her voice pathetic and desperate, staring blankly through the open door over his shoulder, "A vision."

Van moved his head back slightly, so he could hold her glistening eyes. His face was set hard, unmoving, as if it had been carved from the most beautiful marble.

"What kind of vision?"

Hitomi closed her eyes again in an attempt to avoid his, and felt another tear escape.

"Hitomi." He tilted her chin up, "What kind of vision?"

"I…" She sniffed, "I…you…"

_Oh Gods, why did I even come here?!_

She snatched her chin out of his gentle grasp and pushed herself away, eyes open now but trained to the bed on the other side of the room.

It was strange how, for some reason, it felt like a lifetime ago she'd been sleeping in it, even though she'd only endured one night without Van's sheets and Van's scent lulling her into rapturous, _dreamless _slumber. She couldn't look at it without remembering how he'd watched over her for hours when she'd lain on its huge mattress, the anxiety and fear in his eyes when she'd woken up after being poisoned…

And the way he'd promised he'd stay with her.

Always.

Hitomi shook her head in an attempt to clear it of the traitorous thoughts, but found she couldn't stop the barrage of memories now that they had begun to flood her senses.

Memories of the way his burgundy eyes would almost glow in dim firelight; the way he smiled at her when nobody else was looking; the way his lips were so perfectly soft and sensual as they moved over hers, over her skin…and his hands, always aching for more of her to touch, more of her body to learn and discover—

"What did you see?"

Van's impatient question roused her from the rather inappropriate train of thought, and she turned to him before she remembered how his expression, let alone his lack of clothing, would make all she had to say much more difficult.

And she was exactly right, because his eyes showed such intense concern, she wanted to run to the bed and hide under the covers so she didn't have to witness it.

Instead though, she held his heated gaze.

"I…didn't see anything." She said quietly, feeling more than a little foolish.

Van frowned.

"But you said—"

"I didn't see anything," She repeated, looking down at her fidgeting hands, "I just…I only heard the words you spoke."

There was a moment of tense silence.

"So it was really me who said those things?" Van asked in disbelief, "To you?!"

Hitomi looked up to see him running a rather violent hand through his hair, self-loathing and outrage tainting his handsome features.

"Y-yes…well, not precisely."

He looked up at her.

"Yes or no?"

The tone of his voice, demanding and firm, made her wince. She could feel the tension emanating off his body, feel the heat from his bare skin that was still just too close to her itching fingers.

She swallowed.

"Well, you…you said it to Lea."

Van's eyes narrowed.

"What—"

"You told her," Hitomi continued, clenching her fists at her sides, willing, begging herself to just say everything now so she could run and hide under those covers, "You told her you loved her, that you feel nothing for me now…th-that you want to send me back to the mystic moon b-but you can't—"

She almost bit through her tongue when Van grabbed her roughly by the shoulders.

"Stop saying that!"

Hitomi chewed her lip – hard – and closed her eyes to his livid expression.

"But the vision," She tried pathetically, "You and Lea—"

Her eyes opened again as she felt his hands slide to her own quickly. Almost violently, he brought them together and lifted them up, holding them tightly, painfully, in front of his chest.

When he spoke, his voice shook with suppressed emotion.

"Do you not remember," He started, holding her eyes with his own dark ones, "what I said to you in that room after the first audience we had?"

Her thoughts strayed to the moment.

"_**Then believe me w**__**hen I say that I love you…and that I always have."**_

"_**Van—"**_

"—_**and that you mean more to me than anything I've ever known."**_

She swallowed, "I-I do, but—"

Van's eyes narrowed.

"Then why are you acting this way?!"

"B-Because the dream—"

"For Gods' sake, it wasn't true, Hitomi!" He shouted, letting her hands fall to her sides and using his own in exasperation, "Sometimes a dream is _just _a dream!"

Hitomi blinked in outraged astonishment before taking a step away from him, out of his reach.

"How can you…_you _of all people, say something like that?!" She asked incredulously, "You know just as well as I do that all my visions have come true…and most have saved your life!" She added, raising a shaky but accusing finger toward him.

"And you _know_ it's true!" She continued, unremittingly, "So don't tell me I'm lying – don't! Because I'm right, Van, I'm right!"

Her heavy breaths filled the otherwise silent room.

Van sighed, crossed his arms, and regarded her for a lengthy moment.

"Why do you want to believe this so much, Hitomi?" He asked eventually, his voice no longer filled with disbelief, but with a heated, painful disappointment that made her want to cry. "You won't even listen to me, to what I have to say, and yet you've decided that there can't be any other explanation."

His saddened eyes held hers unmercifully.

Hitomi bit her lip.

"N-No, it's not like that—"

"It _is_ like that, Hitomi!" He took a step towards her, "You don't even _want _me to love you! You're scared, and you're using what happened with me and Lea as a reason to—"

_Wait._

"W-what do you mean what happened with you and Lea?"

Hitomi suddenly felt very strange, as if she'd just been slapped across the face.

_But I knew that something had happened between them…_

_I knew it before…_

_So why am I so shocked when he says it?_

She blinked.

_Did I…did I not actually believe it before?_

_Did I only __**want**__ myself to believe it?_

Van stared at her in bewilderment.

"Are you telling me you don't even know what happened?" He moved towards her again, "You don't even know and you're accusing me anyway?!"

Hitomi shifted uneasily where she stood. From his mouth, in his words, what she was doing did indeed sound foolish and petty…

But the fact was that her suspicions had been completely correct.

So what the hell was he talking about?!

"Well then why don't you tell me, Van?!" Her regained confidence was rather startling, "Why don't you finally stop lying to me and just _tell _me you love her, tell me how you—"

And once more, Van was in front of her, looming over her, dark, powerful, masculine and enraged. He took her shoulders again, so firmly that she could feel each individual indentation of his fingers.

_Oh Gods._

"Listen." He said roughly, "I only slept with Lea in the first place because I wanted _you_, you know that!"

Hitomi looked uncomfortably to her right, but found the action less than helpful, since her gaze was directed right towards the huge bed that was technically in question.

_Oh dear…they probably slept on that, didn't th—_

"Do you even understand, Hitomi, what it's like to want someone so much you _ache_?" He continued, catching her chin and training her eyes on his again, "Do you understand how you almost _killed _me when you told yourself you'd never see me again? That I wasn't even real to begin with?"

"But I didn't kn—"

"Well let me tell you this," He interrupted heatedly, "there were plenty of people here who knew that I _was _real, Hitomi. There were plenty of people here who ached for me as I ached for you."

"Van, please…" She said weakly, regretting what she'd asked of him and wanting him to stop now, before he went into detail.

"And Lea was one of them." He persisted mercilessly, "So yes, I slept with her to try and forget about _you_, Hitomi. I did it because youweren't here and you didn't even _want _to be!"

"Don't…"

"Don't what?!" He shouted, letting go of her shoulders abruptly, his eyes blazing, "Don't tell you what you demanded to hear?! Don't tell you that eventually I doubted if anything was even real at all? That I was so desperate to feel, to touch something that would assure me I was alive, I slept with women I barely knew?!"

"Stop—"

"And you know what, Hitomi, for a while it really worked." The bitterness in his voice made her wince, "For a while, I wasn't dead. I wasn't just some figment of your imagination. Women desired me, wanted me, and I accepted them, all of them, because the one woman I actually cared about didn't give a—"

"That's not true, Van!" She stepped towards him, "You know it's not! And don't you _dare _blame me for _your_…" She struggled for an adequate description, "…promiscuity!"

He looked at her darkly for a moment, and she almost forgot what she'd meant to say.

Dropping her gaze to the floor, she continued.

"I mean…"

Gods, she wished her voice was stronger.

"Do you even realise what could have happened? You could have…could have—"

"Could have what?!" He pressed, angrily.

Hitomi let out an indignant noise.

"Well, I don't know!" And for lack of a better example, she used the worst one that she could think of.

"You could have gotten someone pregnant!"

…

The following silence was as ominous as it was unexpected.

Because in that silence, there were no bitter retorts, no angry denials, defences or arguments from him. In that silence, there was only one, terrifying answer that Hitomi had never even contemplated.

Van only looked at her with eyes that suddenly held something quite different.

After a long moment, he spoke, his voice quiet and morose.

"I know."

And that was when Hitomi's stomach dropped.

_Oh Gods…_

_Don't…don't do this to me._

She swallowed.

"B-But…you didn't…" She hadn't meant for the words to escape her dry lips as a question…and yet it became one as those words lay heavily between them, tainting the air with their implication.

Time seemed to slow as Hitomi awaited his affirmation.

And when he didn't say anything, she thought her heart had actually stopped beating.

_No._

_Please no._

"Van…" She closed the distance between them and grabbed his shoulders, completely ignoring the warmth and texture of his skin underneath her fingers – something she wouldn't have done had the situation been only slightly different.

"Please," She implored, an unbecoming hint of desperation woven through the word, "Tell me you didn't…"

Van looked away from her glistening eyes.

Her fingers tightened.

"Van!" The desperation wasn't hidden now, "You didn't…" She begged, shaking her head in pathetic denial, "Not with _her_…not with Lea…"

His gaze stuck resolutely to the floor.

"Tell me!" Hitomi took no notice of the warm tears sliding down her face, "Please tell me!" She shook him lightly.

But, of course, she already knew the answer.

Van closed his eyes for a moment before turning back to her.

"It happened a year ago." He said quietly.

Hitomi, eyes wide, let go of him and stepped away, pressing a hand to her forehead in disbelief.

"Van…please tell me you're joking."

She barely saw the slow shake of his head through her clouded vision.

A bird began to sing from the balcony then, and the sweet, beautiful song seemed to mock the sudden, saddened mood of the room. Hitomi couldn't seem to make herself blink…or even breathe for that matter. It was as if the air was too heavy to inhale, the birdsong too shrill and painful to listen to.

_Van has a baby. _

_Oh Gods, Van has a baby._

For the life of her, she hadn't expected the conversation to take such an astonishing turn.

"Hitomi…"

She looked up at him slowly, settling her gaze upon his sombre expression. He opened his mouth to say something more, but she interrupted him before he could do so.

"Is it a boy or a girl?"

_Do I even want to know…?_

Van looked at her intently as she wiped at the wetness on her cheeks, his eyes and expression betraying a raw and painful emotion Hitomi couldn't quite pinpoint.

He let out a sigh, closing his eyes, and spoke in a way that made her ache for him.

"We never knew."

The bird ceased its derisive tune.

_What…?_

He looked up at her.

…

"She lost it, Hitomi."

The words were quiet, sorrowful.

_Oh Gods…_

"She lost the baby."

The room fell silent again.

But in that silence, Hitomi found she could hear everything. The poetic sound of the wind rustling the ivy that clung hungrily to the outside walls of the palace; the faraway chirping of the other, carefree birds that roamed the gardens; the slowed, rhythmic beating of her own heart.

And for a moment, she thought she was dreaming.

For a moment, she thought that there might be a chance, just a chance, that she'd misunderstood everything.

For a moment, she had hope.

…

But then everything began to make perfect, agonising sense.

_Wait…_

Brechin had meant _Lea _when he'd mentioned the other women who'd tried to stay at the palace and…

She looked across the room and settled her eyes on the open wardrobe.

"Oh Gods…that's why you wear black." She whispered, more to herself than to him.

"You're…in mourning."

She turned back to him and watched as he nodded once. His wild, ebony hair blew slightly in the breeze from the open balcony doors, swaying leisurely in front of his eyes now and then, and she suddenly found herself longing to sweep it back for him, to hold him close and kiss his brow…and tell him she was sorry she hadn't been here for him when he'd needed her most.

But—

Van gave a mirthless smile.

"You know, you're only the second person to realise that."

Hitomi blinked, her brow furrowing in misunderstanding.

"What?"

Crossing his arms over his broad, tanned chest, Van began to pace slowly down the length of the room, a habit Hitomi had noticed he'd picked up during her extended absence.

_Gods, extended is an understatement._

"Well, nobody knew about the pregnancy," He turned to her when he reached the fireplace, "And so nobody knew about…about what happened. When I requested a completely black wardrobe, everybody just assumed it was…I don't know—" He waved an arm irritably, "—a fashion statement or something."

She watched as he ran a hand through his hair.

And suddenly the words left her without a second thought.

"I'm so sorry, Van."

And she found that she really, truly was.

Because even if she felt betrayed, even if she was terrified she'd never experience something so special as carrying his child…she loved him, and the fact that he'd gone through something so terrible _alone _made her feel like…like she didn't deserve to love him.

When she'd awoken from her dream this morning, she had been terrified of what it might mean, yes, but she hadn't, not for a minute, expected to discover something like this.

And now she knew, she couldn't stop herself thinking that it should have just…turned out better for both Van and Lea, even if she wasn't part of the equation. Usually, in the trashy romance novels she'd always denied reading, the King and the servant girl would stumble upon one another on a stormy night, kiss, fall in love and then get married after a rather unrealistically short amount of time; yet this story just…didn't have that fairytale ending.

Far from it.

Van had slept with Lea seeking comfort, and it had turned into a…well, a tragedy of sorts. But thinking it through, an illegitimate child would have meant complications in almost every area, had it been born, so in the end, Van had gotten a slight silver lining out of the whole, awful situation.

But Lea…Gods, it must have been heartbreaking for her.

Because Hitomi just knew that Lea had wanted that fairytale ending.

"I never loved her, Hitomi." Van said unexpectedly from across the room, and Hitomi looked up at him to see his gaze upon her once more.

"Once I thought I had to…but…I never did."

"…_**I never did."**_

"Van, it really doesn't—"

"And you may hate me now," He approached her, "You may want to leave or scream or slap me again…Gods know I deserve it." Taking her hand before she could pull it out of his reach, he opened it and pressed something cool into her palm.

"But please don't leave thinking that I've ever loved anyone else."

Hitomi tried to ignore the way her skin tingled where he touched it, covering her hand with his own. Without warning, he leaned in close to her and whispered.

"Because I love _you_…" He took his hand away from hers, the red stone shimmering as sunlight hit its flawless surface. She looked at the familiar pendant briefly, treasuring the fact that he'd kept it so close all these years.

"…_**I love **__**you**__**."**_

Hitomi shut her eyes.

"But how—"

"Hitomi, please just listen to me." She felt his palm cup her cheek gently.

"…_**Please just listen to me."**_

She swallowed, forcing herself not to register his tender touch and looking into his intense, beautiful gaze.

"I've always loved you." He pushed a stray lock of hair behind her ear.

"_**I've always loved you."**_

Hitomi's eyes widened in vague recognition.

_No way._

"And Lea…" He went on, oblivious to Hitomi's realisation, "Even if she still loves me, she means nothing to me now, I swear it; atleast, not in that way. But it's not like I can just tell her to leave. She has a job here now, and taking that away from her after everything that's happened…it just wouldn't be right. Besides, she can't even return to where she came from; her village was destroyed during the war."

"_**She means nothing to me**__** now, I swear it…but it's not like I can just tell her to leave…she can't even return to where she came from..."**_

_Oh Gods._

_Van wasn't talking to Lea in the dream…_

_He was talking to me._

Hitomi took a step away from him in stunned disbelief.

_I can't believe this...he was really--_

And that's when she saw the shadow.

Van frowned at her shocked expression.

"What's wrong?"

"_**What's wrong?"**_

The tiny songbird began to sing again from outside.

"…Lea." She said quietly, as her eyes settled upon the maid standing by the door.

"…_**Lea."**_

Van spun round.

Lea's eyes widened.

She froze, her hands clinging to the doorframe as if it were the very thing keeping her alive.

"U-Uh…" She stuttered, "I-I…"

And then she bolted.

"Lea!" Van's eyes darted round the room for a shirt as he semi-ran to the door.

Twisting round, Hitomi saw one lying on the bed and, without thinking, she grabbed it and threw it to him.

Upon catching it, Van gave her a questioning look, as if to ask why.

_Why don't I mind him going after her?_

And once his face had reappeared over the white linen, he was still looking at her strangely.

"I'm coming right back." He said quickly, and turned to the door, grabbing the post and looking down the corridor.

"I know you are." She said quietly, and smiled only a little, but for the first time in what seemed like hours.

Van gave her one last meaningful look before he left in a rush.

_Because I love him._

_And…and I guess he loves me. _

* * *

**OK.**

**Well personally, I think it's absolutely awful. But the thing is, I've been killing myself trying to get it up to the standard you all expect, because I would hate for all your wonderful reviews to suddenly change to, "um...ok, where the hell has your ability to write gone? I didn't understand anything because YOU DIDN'T EXPLAIN IT." **

**So I implore you...please don't write that :D**

**Let's just say...if you hate it as much as I do (a lot) just don't leave a review - sound good? God knows I wouldn't leave one lol**

**I really hope you enjoyed it anyway though; it would actually make my MONTH just to get _one _review that said that it was readable. **

**Next chapter coming soon!**


	7. Fires

**A/N: Oh good _GOD_.**

**It's been a while, hasn't it? Well, my sincere apologies, as always, but i've actually been overloaded with work and reading and things that really aren't that much fun to describe I'm afraid. Anyway, this chapter has taken me an AGE to write because I've lost all my writing skill and most of my direction...o0**

**Although, if i'm honest, the main reason was actually because of a massive blow to my already not-there confidence by someone on this site - I never realised how sensitive people are out there in the big wide world, and I'm sorry if things in this story aren't peachy perfect, but hey, that ain't life. Let me just take this chance to say that this story is what it is because i'm _trying _to make it different, and i'm _trying _to make it new and interesting and as real as a fanfiction can afford to be. Oh dear me I sound so serious - I'm not miserable, I promise!**

**And actually, in complete contrast to this - your reviews and PMs (the ones that don't insult me), are absolutely wonderful, and make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. So thankyou so much you guys, you're all awesome.**

**Anyway, here's the chapter; it's crap. Really, I don't even know why i'm posting it because I'M SO ASHAMED.**

**There's a dun dun DUNNN moment at the end - just warning you. :D**

**Remember now:  
**_this writing_** - thoughts  
_this writing_ - memories**

**Enjoy! (or atleast try to?)  
**

* * *

Hitomi could not recollect a time when she had been more fascinated by her fingernails. 

Well, fascinated is perhaps too strong a word. She was hardly ensnared by their dazzling conversation or historical relevance, characteristics that would undoubtedly befit something fascinating (she supposed), but merely surprisingly engrossed in how the skin had formed around their indescribable shapes so perfectly – well, save for the single hangnail that had appeared on her right index finger, but that was hardly important.

In summary, due to the silence that had descended in the enormous room some nine minutes and twenty sevens seconds beforehand (yes, she had been counting again), her fingernails had become the one and only source of entertainment – which didn't say much for her company.

The ever solemn advisors sat heavily in their over-sized chairs, unmoving and unenthusiastic (to say the least), regarding her under slightly drooping eyelids, no doubt an effect of the unrelenting and baking heat of their surroundings.

Massive, long windows ran up the wall behind her, revealing the lush green of the lawn outside and shrubs that resembled something close to rose bushes, disregarding the fact that their flourishing blooms were a most extraordinary shade of blue. However, although these windows supplied a beautiful view of the palace gardens, they did not supply any hint of a breeze, simply because they were shut, and nobody had even thought to remedy the temperature issue by opening them.

"Lady Kanzaki," a familiar, disparaging voice caused Hitomi to look up abruptly, "you did say that his Highness was on his way, did you not?"

Brechin looked rather fed up as she turned to him. His thick, orange eyebrows were knitted together unpleasantly, forming a very hairy, very long and very unattractive looking caterpillar at the base of his forehead.

Hitomi cleared her throat, "I uh…yes, I saw him about fifteen minutes ago. He had to…check something…" she paused, allowing her thoughts to stray traitorously to Van and Lea. Together. She swallowed, hastily adding, "But he said he'd be back soon."

Another advisor sighed exaggeratedly whilst pulling uncomfortably at the tight collar of his fuchsia jacket, "My dear Lady, in that case he will most certainly not return before we all bake to crisps in this dreadful room."

A garbled murmur of agreement rippled around the others at the table, accompanied by various nods and gestures which implied mutual concurrence.

Frowning slightly, Hitomi turned to the large door a few metres away, "But he'll be here soon," She swallowed, "I can assure you—"

"And I can assure _you_, my Lady, that Lord Van has never once adhered to the notion of punctuality," Brechin interrupted brusquely, "therefore I propose we begin the proceedings now, so as to avoid the rather unpleasant sensation of physically toasting."

Hitomi opened her mouth to object, facing him, "But—"

"Lady Kanzaki," Raising a large, chubby, red-hair-dusted hand, he halted her, "I can only assume you are aware of the reason for this meeting?"

_How could I forget?_

"I'm aware." She replied, coolly.

Indeed, Mrs Thalcot, the maid who'd dressed her (well, used her as a pincushion) a week beforehand, had reminded her of those very reasons something like thirty seven times whilst pushing her, with a surprising amount of force, out of Van's room about fifteen minutes previously. The old woman had found Hitomi in there, awaiting Van's return, and had promptly proclaimed herself "too old to be dealing with such nonsense", proceeding to push her through the door and down several corridors (not to mention a flight of stairs) until she had forced her through the entrance of the audience chamber, and thus, into the somewhat uninviting clutches of Sir Marcus Brechin and his various lackeys.

Brechin stood, his chair scraping back along the wooden floor, "Well if that is truly the case, then surely you must be aware that the King's presence is, quite honestly, of no consequence," He took a few slow steps towards her, "since it is _you_ and only _you _whom we intend to question."

Hitomi swallowed as she noted the knowing smirk on his face.

"But I—"

"And indeed," He interrupted swiftly, "if your intentions with his highness are truly worthy, then what have you to worry about?"

The smirk widened sickeningly.

_You have no idea._

Putting on an insincere smile of her own, Hitomi clasped her hands on the table in front of her (she couldn't seem to cease their trembling) and looked up into his probing gaze.

"Indeed, Sir Brechin." She said as calmly as her voice would allow, attempting to ignore the rather uncomfortable and ominous churning sensation in the pit of her empty stomach, as well as the several questions that entered her head at that moment, concerning which of her intentions could be denoted as "worthy".

"Wonderful." He said smugly, pacing a few steps away from her.

"Then let us begin."

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Hitomi stared, unblinking, at the unfamiliar flower she held in the delicate confine of her fingers. The light breeze stirred the petals faintly, moving them too and fro as if they were drawing breath, as if they ached for some kind of incomprehensible freedom.

_Why did I do that?_

Everything, she noted, seemed somehow unsatisfied with its existence.

Every life wanted more, unless, by chance, they yearned for less.

_I…_

_Gods, I'm hopeless._

But certainly, there was a degree of unfulfilment in every living article she touched.

She felt it.

She understood it.

Gods, she understood it.

"_**I have no intention of…of 'vying for the King's hand'!"**_

And what she would have given to just be that flower right now; to be so simply beautiful, left untouched by sin and sadness…

"_**I would never presume to consider myself a suitable Queen! I don't even want to **__**be**__** Queen!"**_

She found herself craving a simplicity she couldn't comprehend, couldn't pinpoint or decipher.

"_**Well if you do not desire to be Queen, my girl, then surely it is a mistress's position you so wish for."**_

"_**NO!"**_

And there was that feeling within her again, that feeling of helplessness and drowsiness and unease.

"_**Then what on Gaea is your purpose here?!" **_

"_**I—"**_

"_**Because it appears that you, yourself, have admitted to being nothing more than an inconvenience."**_

"_**That's not f—"**_

"_**Give me one reason, Lady Kanzaki, one good reason we should grant you permission to stay here."**_

She'd never known herself to feel so...lost.

"_**I…I-I—"**_

…

_**Brechin grinned.**_

The grass itched at the bare soles of her feet, and she sighed helplessly into the wind as she let go of the bloom in her hand, watching it fly with the breeze to some unknown place. She sat at the very edge of the enormous lawn, right next to where the forest began and nature truly blossomed, unkempt and unbound; such a contrast to the straight edged turf and trimmed shrubbery of the gardens. She had been thus for about twenty minutes, finding no other place suitable to just sit, uninterrupted. To just think.

Although "just thinking", in all honesty, wasn't really getting her anywhere.

Because it simply caused her to dwell on the ill-fated proceedings of twenty two minutes previously.

"_**I think, Lady Kanzaki, it would be perfectly fair of me to ask you to leave."**_

"_**Y— Leave what?" **_

"_**Leave the palace."**_

…

"_**But—"**_

"_**You cannot and will not be Queen." Brechin said calmly, although his face had noticeably reddened, "You are not royalty, nor aristocracy, and you are absolutely nothing to do with our plans for his royal highness." **_

_**Hitomi blinked, astonished. **_

"_**Well with all due respect," She started, defiantly, "I daresay he should be in charge of his own—"**_

"_**You will not settle for being his mistress," Brechin continued, his voice now tight with suppressed irritation.**_

"_**Wh— you're not even—!"**_

"_**You are incapable of giving a valid reason as to why you should remain here," **_

"_**Only because you haven't **__**let**__** me—"**_

"_**Surely you can see that there is nothing standing in your fav—"**_

"_**I love him!" **_

A slow, small, melancholic smile twitched at her lips.

_**Brechin's harsh demeanour did not change.**_

"…_**And?"**_

No. Sometimes it just wasn't enough.

Sometimes all she could be, all she could give…just didn't measure up.

"_**A-And…h-he loves me." **_

Her mirthless smile fell.

_**Brechin frowned, patronisingly.**_

"_**Touching. Truly. But you are a fool, my lady, if you honestly think the mere thought of love will sway my decision." **_

_**Hitomi opened her mouth to protest, but managed only to produce a silent and incomprehensible syllable of confusion.**_

"_**Furthermore," He continued mercilessly, "I believe it is in your best interests to leave, not to mention his royal Highness's." **_

She didn't even notice the light footfalls behind her, nor did she feel the shadow creeping over her slumped form.

_**That made her scowl.**_

"_**My best interests?!" She whispered violently, her ire and most of her voice having returned, "How is tearing me away from him in my best interests?!"**_

"Oh Gods." She breathed to herself, closing her eyes as she recalled her actions.

"_**Don't be so naïve!" Brechin raged, explosively, "It is because it is necess—"**_

_**Hitomi stood up abruptly, her fists clenched at her sides. **_

"_**Don't you **__**dare**__** say that it's necessary!" She shouted, choosing to ignore all the Fanelian social boundaries she had just destroyed, "You have absolutely no idea what he wants!" Her brow creasing in outraged confusion, she held his unrelenting stare, "Were you so blind that you couldn't see him falling apart during the last five years?! Could you not see his heart breaking!?"**_

_**Brechin's glare did not subside, but he remained silent. The other advisors were pointlessly staring onto the scene, eyes wide and mouths, for the most part, hanging open. **_

_**Hitomi took a breath.**_

"_**You want my reason for being here?" She prodded, no longer shouting, no longer seeing the point, "You want to know why I…why I **_**refuse**_** to leave?"**_

"_**Do tell." Brechin demanded coldly, the only visible evidence of his present anger being the thrumming vein in the middle of his forehead.**_

_**She gripped the pendant at her neck, swallowing.**_

"Hitomi?"

The sound of that voice, low, soft and unsure, made her flinch.

"_**Because I fell apart too." She said, her eyes intense, her voice shaking, "I felt that pain…I felt the ache in his heart." The heavy heat of the sun beat down on her back, and she sensed its unforgiving warmth even through the fabric of her dress. **_

"_**And just knowing that he felt that…that **__**agony**__**…alone…" She squeezed her eyes shut, "I couldn't do that to him again." **_

_**The stone warmed underneath her fingertips. **_

_**She opened her eyes.**_

"_**I will not hurt him again." **_

_**Each word was a promise.**_

"_**And I will not stand by and watch you damage him because it is… 'necessary.'"**_

_**She let the words engrain themselves in the silence.**_

_**And then she turned on her heel and walked out the door, too swiftly to see the ill-fated oath Brechin mouthed at her back, and the hatred so evident in his expression. **_

Hitomi picked at the grass underneath her fingers.

The feeling of wariness that pinched and prodded at her senses was making her uneasy, and as she went over her actions countless times, she came to the conclusion that she had been foolish.

Whilst her words had been heartfelt and meaningful, they had been said without considering their consequences, and, crucially, without considering the reaction of the king's chief advisor. She supposed he would undoubtedly twist and mutate them into an unsavoury argument of some sort, or perhaps make new ones up altogether. To be quite honest, she was half expecting him to plant the crown jewels in her pocket and accuse her of treason (or some such clichéd nonsense).

Brechin was a powerful man. He was powerful and manipulative and, to a fairly noticeable extent, intelligent. And Hitomi knew he didn't want her there. She felt it in her bones, saw it in his small, judgmental eyes.

Whether or not that meant she was an enemy to him, she wasn't sure.

But dear gods, if she was convinced of anything, it was that she did not desire to become one.

The shadow behind her cleared its throat.

She had absolutely no idea how Van had found her, since she wasn't even in sight of the palace, but, more importantly, she had no idea what she planned to say to him now that he _had_found her, and if he even knew about her outburst in the audience chamber.

"How long have you been here?" He asked quietly from behind her, his tone unreadable.

A breeze moved the hairs at her neck.

"A while."

She heard him move to sit next to her on the ground, but kept her eyes trained decidedly on the grass in an attempt to avoid his. Tension swam in the air around them, and she felt her skin prickle in uncertain anticipation.

"Care to tell me what I missed?" He murmured near her ear, "I suspect the version Brechin regaled me with lacked any semblance of reality."

She blinked, still turned from him.

"What did he say?" Her voice was etched with a hint of anxious concern, well concealed however, by her weariness.

To her surprise, Van actually chuckled slightly, and the sound managed, somehow, to warm her.

"Well he mentioned your 'atrocious etiquette' amongst other things."

Hitomi hummed her own agreement.

Sighing, Van sobered his expression slightly, "He said you demanded to stay here because you proclaimed yourself "better suited to me" than any other woman, and upon saying this, apparently vowed that he would not choose a wife for me, nor I one for myself."

She frowned at the soil, "I didn't say anything like—"

"I know."

She turned to him then, and his eyes caught hers immediately, holding them, reading them, while the corner of his mouth twitched in unexpected, empty amusement.

"I swear it's just one thing after the next with us, isn't it…" He muttered, reaching a hand out to tuck a stray piece of hair behind her ear. He hesitated after doing so, and Hitomi saw him swallow before he ran two fingers softly down her cheek, bringing them first to her lips, where he drifted lightly over them, and then down to her chin, gently turning her face towards him.

She shivered.

No longer smiling, Van drew his eyebrows together slightly.

"I'm sorry you had to do that on your own." He said quietly, his gaze intense upon her, his voice deep and filled with a concern that touched her more profoundly than he realised, "I know I had no right to leave you… but…"

_But…?_

Lea.

Suddenly feeling rather uncomfortable, Hitomi looked away from him. Van's fingers left her skin as she turned.

She heard his uneasy sigh, felt his anxious eyes upon her and words stuck in his throat, and yet she was compelled to shrink away from his comforting touch for reasons she didn't even understand.

Gods knew she would never forget about what had happened with him and Lea, but during the audience with Brechin, whilst she had been so graciously told of the pointlessness of her existence, she had come to the astounding realisation that Van must truly love her if he'd managed to keep her here all this time without valid reason, and that in return, her love for him was stronger than some old, balding, insalubrious gentleman's opinion; stronger than anything she could think of actually.

So why she couldn't just _tell _him that…well, it eluded her really.

"So," Van muttered into the heavy silence that had settled between them, "what did you really say?"

His voice, suddenly so far away, made her swallow.

"I…"

_Will he even understand?_

_I don't want him to think I'm…_

_Gods…_

She closed her eyes briefly.

"When Brechin asked me why I should stay here I…I thought I didn't have a reason, Van." She said honestly, picking a blade of grass and smoothing it between her thumb and forefinger, "And technically? Technically I don't." She dropped her hands to the soil in defeat and sighed, "I don't want to be a Queen, I don't want to be your mistress—"

She heard his breath hitch slightly.

"—and there's nothing special about my bloodline, no peace treaty that I can give you, no land I can bribe you with…I mean, part of me thinks you'd be better off without me here…but…then I…I realise that maybe…"

She turned to him as she trailed off, only to find his eyes, dark and heavy-lidded, fixed upon her.

"Maybe what?" He asked slowly, watching her.

Hitomi couldn't help but feel taken aback by the heat in his gaze. She almost forgot what she was supposed to be saying, so intent were his eyes on her own.

"M-Maybe…"

Those eyes.

Gods.

She barely noticed when he reached out a hand to her cheek again, covering the silken skin delicately with his long, tanned fingers as he leant in towards her.

"Maybe what?" He breathed again, his lips achingly near her own, trembling ones.

_Well I've completely forgotten now. _

"I…"

"You realised that maybe none of those things ever mattered to me?" He whispered, bringing his other hand to her face, "that maybe I would still love you, still want you, even without noble bloodlines or peace-treaties hidden somewhere under your dress?"

His affectionate smile, the smile Hitomi liked to think was reserved only for her, made her melt.

"But I hurt you, Van." She argued lightly, leaning her forehead against his and closing her eyes, "I know I did, and I just thought that if I hadn't—…maybe you wouldn't have—"

Their gazes locked again as his finger touched her lips.

"Hitomi, if we start thinking about 'what ifs', we'll be out here for hours." He shook his head slightly, "The past…it's…" His smile faded, "It's not pretty. But it's over. What's important is that you're here now. The fact that I can look at you and speak to you and…and touch you…" his eyes darkened, "…that's all that matters to me."

He cupped her chin gently.

"You know, I don't even care what Brechin thinks," He breathed, "You're staying here."

"Really…?" Hitomi repeated, dazedly, her mind completely void of anything but the tingling sensation all over her body.

"Mm." His lips brushed hers, a tantalizing caress, "I don't plan on giving you a choice."

"I didn't even realise there was one."

She sighed as he took her lips in a leisurely kiss, slow and deep and…wonderful. The feel of him, his essence, sent her blood racing as soon as she caught his sun-warmed, masculine scent. She breathed him in, relished his closeness, felt herself falling, a rapturous descent in his arms. Bringing her hands to his shoulders instantly, she clasped, clutched onto them for dear life as every muscle in her body turned soft and shapeless.

Van brought her closer to him, moaning his approval as a hand tangled in his hair; he wound one, strong arm about her waist, urging their bodies closer still. Before she knew it, they were both lying on the ground, and his mouth, so soft and warm, devoured her, fed from her, took from her own as she responded helplessly.

It seemed as if they had been separated for years, and the need that neither of them had noticed, that insatiable fire that Hitomi had blinded herself to for the past few hours, suddenly burned her, scalded her, running hot through her veins, screaming lust in her ears.

"I won't hurt you again," she whispered hurriedly between kisses, "I can't—" she gasped as Van's hand traced the contour of her hip, "I—"

"I know," He breathed, kissing her neck leisurely before bringing his lips back to hers, "I know."

She lost track of everything in that moment; she no longer heard the birdsong or the whisper of rustling tree branches, no longer paid attention to the careless tickle of grass between her fingers or the scent of roses that lingered in the air.

Van's hands travelled over her body in their own unhurried exploration, and she felt their heat, their warmth, seep into her through the layers of cloth between them. The feel of his strong, lithe body pressed so intimately against hers made her shudder.

She couldn't stop herself thinking about what he'd looked like that morning, remembering the way her eyes had lingered on his bare chest and wide shoulders, the deliciously tanned, silken skin that covered ripples of toned muscle and sinew; she urged herself to clasp great fistfuls of his shirt, simply to stop herself caressing what lay beneath.

Van made a low noise in his throat.

"I want to touch you." He murmured hastily against her lips, dragging his own to caress her ear shortly afterwards.

She gasped as he nipped lightly at the skin there, not really registering the comment, "You _are_ touching me..."

"No," He placed a hot, open-mouthed kiss on the side of her neck, "not enough."

She arched into him, her breath expelling in a rush as his hands boldly caressed her through the fabric of her upper bodice, "I…I don't understand."

She felt him smile as his lips roamed over her skin, "There isn't much to understand."

"But—"

Van nuzzled her ear again.

"I need you." He breathed.

Hitomi took such a huge gulp of air she almost choked.

His lips traced the delicate line of her jaw, "Hitomi..."

She could barely even think; barely breathe, let alone comprehend what he was so artfully trying to convey to her.

Pulling back from him, she looked up into his eyes, crimson and clouded and…

She swallowed.

"V-Van…I…"

He was breathing heavily, his hair ruffled from her fingers and his skin flushed against the backdrop of clear blue sky above them. He looked so virile, so strikingly male, and Hitomi found she'd never been so aware of his closeness, _so_ aware that he was someone who _had_needs…and that he was someone who could awaken hers.

Her body felt as if it were foreign, her limbs, her actions not really part of her, but rather of some other, unrecognisable, unreservedly passionate woman. She realised that she'd never felt like this before, that she'd never had any _reason_to have felt like this before. In fact, she had only dreamed of moments like these, and even in those dreams there was no feeling, no emotion or fire.

But there was fire now.

In his eyes.

In her body.

In her soul.

_But…_

…there was also something that just…didn't fit.

Something lurking in the shadows of her mind, stopping her, warning her. Scaring her.

And it was the realisation that he had wanted this with another.

With many others actually, or so he had confessed.

And it made her heart ache.

Because it was her own fault.

"Hitomi…?"

She closed her eyes briefly.

She couldn't possibly…

_Don't…_

But she couldn't stop the images racing through her mind.

Images of what could be if she just…

Let go.

They'd be together. Finally.

And she dared to dream.

Because somewhere inside her, she knew it would be wonderful. She'd always known that. She knew it would be beautiful, something they would remember for the rest of their lives. She knew it would be the most wonderful experience of hers.

Being so close to him – as close as a man and woman can be…

And yet a part of her, in her heart, simply felt that this just…wasn't the right time. Not now. Not when he'd just told her everything; not when she'd seen Lea crying only a few hours before; not when she could hardly bear to think of him even _talking_with another woman. If something happened now, it would feel…wrong almost. It would feel as if they had rushed it, ruined it, and Hitomi could think of nothing worse.

_I mean…does he even…does he even want me for the right reasons?_

Was it Lea who was really at the back of his mind? Was it the memory of her he was trying to dispel?

It seemed that it was Hitomi's empty jealousy, her shame at what she'd driven him to do so fresh in her mind and in her heart, that appeared as the reason she couldn't let her feelings overwhelm her now.

She just…couldn't.

And she understood that however she phrased it, he wasn't going to be pleased.

Or satisfied.

But then again, she wasn't going to be either.

She opened her eyes to his, and met them with a surprising amount of resolve.

"I…this…" She managed, feebly, "You can't expect me to …"

The moment she saw the familiar, unreadable, un_reachable_expression settle over his features, she lost all hope of a straightforward resolution.

He blinked once, twice, still breathing fast, lightly on her cheek. And then his body tensed suddenly, his bearing taut as a bowstring, his brow furrowed, and she saw his jaw clench in…in what she could only imagine was frustration. Before she even had a chance to finish, he moved off her with a low, foreign curse.

"I shouldn't have said that." He said hurriedly, running a hand through his hair violently as he stood up, "I shouldn't have_done_…I'm sorry."

Hitomi sat up hastily, straightening her dress, "No, wait, don't be—"

"I can't believe I…again!" Using his arms to stress his exasperation, he paced hurriedly, "I did this before to you and—" He faced her suddenly, his eyes still hot, scalding in their intensity, "You _do_ somethingto me, Hitomi!"

Her gaze followed him as he approached rapidly again, and she had to strain her neck to look up into his face.

"You…I can't _control _myself anymore when I'm with you!" He practically shouted down to her, another hand running through his ridiculously tousled locks, "It's…I can't stop thinking about you and…" He exhaled angrily before turning away once more, "And you don't even want…Gods, just look at me...I'm…"

Hitomi stood up shakily, watching him with careful, unsure eyes.

"I_am_ looking at you." She said quietly, "And it's killing me to watch you turn away."

He didn't turn back to her.

"I'm pathetic, Hitomi. Nothing more." He said irritably, "Don't glorify this."

She frowned.

"I'm not glorifying anything, Van." She took a step towards him, "I feel _exactly_ like you do."

Looking back at her slightly, Van shook his head.

"You don't." He said simply, and faced away again.

For the third time now, Hitomi couldn't get her head around the speed at which such a rapturous atmosphere had been replaced with hostility and disturbance. Was it her, or was this just always with way with them? The fact that they seemed incapable of carrying out a conversation without a passionate argument made her anxious, made her worried.

But she had to keep telling herself: this was Van. This was probably _the_most stubborn man she'd ever laid eyes on, let alone actually carried out a conversation with. This was the man who had risked his life, _daily_, all those years ago. For her, for his country; for everyone.

It was naïve to think that a relationship with him would be simple, would be without its complications.

But… this was the man she loved.

So it automatically made everything worth it.

Hitomi felt him jump as she touched his arm.

"I love you." She whispered, before he could say anything else.

He angled his face back to her slightly, "Hitomi—"

"Just give me time." She rested her other hand on his shoulder, "Please? I've been through a lot today."

She watched him turn to her finally, moving her arms off him as he did so.

"I know you have," He said quietly, reaching out to her cheek, running his fingers down it softly, "I…"

Their eyes locked, and Hitomi felt her breath catch at the barely contained desire in the fiery depths of his gaze.

Van's hand dropped to his side instantly, and he gave a mirthless smile as he took a step back from her abruptly.

"Don't let me touch you," He said, laughing tightly, "You're too…"

He closed his eyes for a moment, sighing tiredly.

"Just go while I can still let you." He didn't open them as he motioned for her to leave, "I'll see you tonight at dinner."

Hitomi stood still, regarding him for a silent second.

How Van still managed to look so attractive, even when experiencing obvious, unbearable amounts of stress, was simply a mystery to her. With his face turned up towards the dimming sunlight, one arm crossed over his broad chest and the other behind his head clutching, what she imagined, was a fistful of hair, he looked so…powerful. As if, should he let go of his tightly reined control, he would unleash all his intensity, all his unbridled passion onto her…and…

…the very thought made her ache with longing to just…lose herself in him.

And it was only as she turned from him and began walking away, only as she began to feel that familiar need to feel him next to her again, that she realised…

She was already lost.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

"What's her name?"

Brechin ripped another leg off the chicken, ignoring the man's question whilst chewing in a similar fashion to a neanderthal.

"Marcus," The man pressed impatiently as he watched, not even bothering to contain his mild distaste, "I thought you said we were in a rush."

Swallowing, Brechin waved the chicken leg around as if it were a visual aid of some sort.

"My dear boy, we have all the time in Gaea." He took a swig from the glass in front of him with his free hand, "Your plan is superb, Rey, superb! Couldn't have thought of a better one myself."

Rey ignored the compliment and looked to the window a few metres away, to where the palace lay shrouded in darkness.

"What's her name?" He asked again.

Brechin wiped his mouth, "Kanzaki."

Turning back, he saw the corner of the chief advisor's mouth twitch in amused loathing.

"Hitomi Kanzaki."

* * *

**Do you want to say it or should I?**

**Dun dun DUNNNN!**

**Nice one. Anyway, sorry about the rubbish quality of language and lack of any real story direction. I promise it will be better next time! If indeed people want there to be more - I'm not too certain people even READ this anymore.**

**Anyway, if this gets to 100 reviews I think I should do something fitting. Any ideas?**

**:P**


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